With feeling for life returning and a new smile widening across my face, I feel the stirrings of life and I remember how I died.
Death came in a sentence, it ended all my dreams and all my hope and my future faded and turned to black. My heart stopped and I ceased to be. I died a death and all life left me.
I don’t know why I am still here. Maybe I am a ghost, maybe this is my own private hell. In story and myth people who die and fail to move on for whatever reason, remain in this world as ghosts and haunt the living or watch the world, jealous and sad for what they lost.
I am jealous and I miss what I lost. Am I a ghost?
Sometimes, yes, I am.
Tomorrow, is a word that means nothing to me , if I try real hard I can believe it exists but I have no plans for it or dreams or goals. If I exist still in the world tomorrow it will be as I exist today , not really here just a dead man walking that won’t move on.
Inside me was a light that burned bright, it was warming and glowed and filled me up and shone out of me. The light went out when I died, occasionally, it still flickers, brief flashes of light that get a charge from the world and are reminded of the life that once existed here. when the light flickers it illuminates the vast emptiness inside me. Acting as a reminder of life, ultimately acts to remind me of all that I lost.
I can see you and I can hear you and I want the same for me. I want to be seen and to be heard. I want to experience life. I want to make plans for the future and dream, dreams that I make come true. I want to wake up from the death I am experiencing. I want to be alive again.
Maybe wanting is the start of my return, unhappy to be dead and wanting to live again.
But maybe wanting is what the dead do, when they are jealous of what they lost and remembering all they are missing. Maybe wanting is what keeps them from moving on and keeps them stuck in the past.
I think I am afraid to find out if I am alive inside. its easier to be dead and not feel and not have the worry of a death still to come. I switched off and I move in the world a shell and a shadow. You might see me and get an image of me, but am I really here?
This limbo is cold and lonely and I am scared I don’t want to be here forever, I want to move on. When I allow myself to feel and the feelings return they overpower me and turn in on me and remind me of the pain from the past and they stab at me and hurt me over and over again. Every time my smile widens, behind it is the panic knowing the pain will return.
Cold and lonely can be easier than hurt and in pain. Death can be easier than life. But I cannot do it forever. I have to move on, I have got to get it together long enough to find out what I should do to end this limbo. has all life left me? is it time to move on? which direction should I go?