I Could Feel It...

I used to be so different. I changed so much. In many ways for the better, but in others, well, not.

I used to be sweet. Really sweet. Very kind-hearted, loving, nice...

In a way, I still am, but I can feel myself losing it.

I lost my ability to feel compassion long ago. I was still able to show compassion, but not necessarily feel it. It didn't really matter though at first because I could AT LEAST show it. Now...

I could barely do that. I could barely show compassion anymore. I could barely even pretend like I care. I'm losing all the softness left in me. I'm losing my humanity more and more each day. I don't cry when I should anymore. I don't feel a thing when I should feel something.

It used to scare me. It used to make me wonder, "What is happening to me? I should feel something and I don't. Why am I not feeling something?"

Now I know I'm just "hardening" up a bit inside. I don't know if I'm getting tougher or weaker for that. I don't know if this is a good sign or a bad sign. I don't know if I need to get it together or if I'm getting my head straight. My perceptions are all pretty messed up at the moment and I can't quite distinguish from right to wrong.

The only thing I know for sure without a doubt in my mind is that I'm growing colder and colder by the day and by the end of the day, that will either kill me mercilessly or that will toughen up my character and make me stronger.

I guess I'll find out soon.
deadmoon deadmoon
22-25, F
2 Responses May 31, 2011

I felt this way for a while. It wasn't good though, people would get pissed at me a lot because they thought me unsympathetic. It's really hard to be kind when you're stressed and tired.

did something happen before this??? i'm just curious.<br />
<br />
i suffer/ed depression and it has affected me in a lot of ways. i was never diagnosed or i never asked for professional help but i can relate.<br />
<br />
i feel like i'm emotionally retarded, its very hard for to feel emotions and if i did feel some its usually very shallow and last only for few seconds to minutes...<br />
<br />
i also took a sociopathy test (i also use a legit one - DSM IV) and my grades there were insanely high (sorry for the puns)... i also took other personality test and the result were very weird (0% on some parts etc)...<br />
<br />
you should get some help before it gets worse....