Never Had A Male Influnce Besides.......

When I wake up in the morning I can go take a whizz and get the crumbs out of my eyes,while looking in the mirror.Though it isn't hard what so ever in this universe to look at me I hate to think in me if that makes sense.For the longest I've always put down my own thoughts and actions always thinking my voice sounded werid or was to light bass.From Nov2011-May2012 I worked at Home Depot as a lot attendent.Stright up working there was hell for me.Knowing this might make you feel alot better lol.But while there I did grow beyond what I had expected and endured alot more critism and feel my brain was exploited and shown.Meaning that people say if you think you are or if you think they notice then people will pick up on "that something".Well for the longeset since 10th grade I'd say I was self awrae of being a virgin.Not just that I was self doubtful because I wasn't one of the "cool kids"or even like the "norm"type of social life or fun in genral(Another topic).But anyways Home depot ranged from young to old empolyess (18-60yrs)so I was wokring with about every kind of person and personality I believe,and it seemed I really felt like the oddball and reclusive one more than others I hated this to death.I'd be so nervous getting ready for work and having my mom/sister drop me off,walking in the door/clocking in gathering pre work materials.It was a mess for so I gathered carts while I walk how I feel.So I feel like I've been threw struggles and hard times mentally so it protrays threw my walk I strongly believe.But 70% of my stay I'd really enjoy hiding by the pine straw and hay straw trailers where I'm not seen or walking in front of people.No butt end conversation no lack of my social-ness put out there or feeling like I'm just those lonley-sorrow people you hear about in the movies.I'd feel like when little kids are with theyre parents like they'd tell theyre kids "you see that man"blah blah blah true or not IDK but I'd feel werider.Girls found me attractive I can tell could YES.Did I know the moves to make sorta.Ever did them No.Nervous I want to say no but Yes I am.So I dont on top of those other things in my head.On breaks they were an hour long nobody talked to me about 96% of the time.Besides small insignficant work related,or Greeting,or just noisey stuff like (what are you doing afther work?what you been up to?I got that alot)And I'd reply with just chillin or studying for the ASVAB=military admission test.I felt nrevous all the time lack of social life n skills n friends being a handsome virgin an't all its cracked up to be.One chick to me If I were more down to Earth I'd be cool.That made me feel good :),like I'd didnt already know that.So I felt worse I'm still thinking how can I get back down to Earth(crazy).I only went to one store meeting and thats IT!!B/c when I did go wasn't surpirsed but nobody really paid me any mind.I know I know everyone is fake at work this I know.But I dont even have a fake cover like the "norms" while I feel just open like this is me I'm "Bloody for the Lions see my skin its open".I got fired in May2012 I stopped showing up certain days would hit me harder than others,and my mind would just be scared to say the least about going in.I'd feel nervous debating with my workers I need money side it didn't work all the time.I gave in more and more.Till eventually I went in oneday and they let me go.Not much has changed since then.Though I did sign up for Job Corps my folks are ready for me to leave I'm ready as well be anxious,nervous,unsure,etc and the "norm"-This IS ME
lonleystoner lonleystoner
22-25, M
1 Response Sep 8, 2012

You may not be "norm but I can relate. I'm going to school for massage therapy because
the jobs I've had felt to me a lot like how you felt at HD. I don't have a good filter & I try to accept who I am, faults & pluses, so it's hard to deal with people who act like they don't have a shadow. LOL I upset 85% of the people I speak to. I'm a deep sea diver & my convo tends to make people drown. IDK if this is your issue 2. You think your inner voice is light but reading your journal, it sounds focused on deep issues, that the 'norms' wearing their masks & speaking thru 'filters' cannot process. Job Corp is a good start. My parents met working there :P Random
You don't have to force yourself to be social there but don't hide man! Do give people a chance to know you & if they are too 'norm' to understand you, **** 'Em! Excuse me, I'm just saying my mom taught me that once I finish school, then I can have my career, I will be paid, then I can afford to go to activities & events that I like, which will most likely have like minded people, & that's where I can find many good friends & even MY SWEET BABOO! So don't rush the process yanno. If your movie is not happy then it's not the end yet! Happy Endings!

Thanks!!yanno right back at cha lol.Good luck at massage therapy hear that good paid good in that field.Plus deep sea swimming is something I've wanted to do.Guess first I need to learn how to swim.Well I hope things get better on your journey as well traveler.