I Too Feel Like A Loser.

I'm 24 year old female. Ever since I was a child I've had so many ambitions and goals and dreams. I never wanted to be an average joe. I wanted to be SOMEBODY. Someone successful, someone who contributed something to society. But when the time came in my life to start achieving some of these goals and moving forward with my life, I instead fell in love. I'm still in love with this person, and I'm not unhappy about that at all. In fact, it's probably one of the best things in my life.
However, it was the falling in love that messes with my head. I married, had two great kids but I feel like all my goals, dreams and ambitions were flushed away. Like I sacrificed them to have a family. My father agrees, he tells me I completely screwed up my life, there's no turning back and that I'll amount to nothing more than a housewife, which is where and what I should be doing. My mother tells me I'm young enough still to do most of the things I wanted to do. That I shouldn't beat myself up so much because I just did things in reverse order.
But I continually do beat myself up. Everyday. Every night. I still dream of the places I want to see. I still dream of getting my PhD. I still yearn to find a time machine and start fresh.
I had my 5 year class reunion this past summer. I was too ashamed and embarrassed to go to it. To see all the successful people with degrees, who look beautiful (where I've nearly doubled my size due to childbearing). Plus, I have no friends. None.
I sometimes think I over think things. I also sometimes feel like I can't ever make up my mind, decide what I REALLY want to do or be. I get spurts of optimism where I think, "I can truly do and be whoever I want". But then if I reflect upon it later, it seems as if I was wrong.
My husband works in the emergency medical field. As he was going through school, I helped him study and realized I found the material kind of fascinating, and that some of it came naturally to me, like it was common sense. I decided once he graduated I would enroll in our local EMT program. I was pumped! I thought I had finally found my niche and what I wanted to be and do with my life.
Now I'm wondering if I made a mistake. I keep hearing a voice in my head that says, "You could've done better. You could've achieved greater things. You should've followed your dreams and became a scientist. Now you're just settling" I hate this voice. It depresses me.
This indecisiveness even goes as far as to what my outward appearance projects. I struggle finding a wardrobe that reflects "Who I am". I'm worried if I wear something out in public I'll be perceived as something I'm not. Sometimes I feel rebellious and want to gauge my ears, get tattoos and wear loud clothing. But then that voice pops back into my head and says, "You're too old for that. You'd look ridiculous. Your kids would be embarrassed of you." I do not want to embarrass my kids. I was embarrassed of my father and I remember how mortifying it was. Plus I don't want to look like the adult who won't grow up...which is probably what I really am!
I've started trying to make positive changes in my life to make myself feel better, I've changed my eating habits, began exercising regularly. I've lost 10lbs so far! Like I said I even started school. But I just can't stop beating myself up and thinking I ruined my life and never amount to diddly squat.
Now, I'm well aware I sound like a whiny, spoiled, sissy. I know I should be counting my blessings and realizing I've got a lot of good in my life, like a great husband, healthy wonderful kids, a roof over my head and food in our bellies. So why am I this way? Am I crazy? Am I a loser? What's the DEAL?!
AnonymousAB AnonymousAB
3 Responses Dec 4, 2012

You and I come from the same branch. Of that I have no doubts. It's like you sliced a piece of my life experiences out of it and wrote it down in another context, like a mirrored story.

I managed to get out of this loop.....in time....I feel like I must talk with you, but I've written down my own stories that already explain this part of my life. Perhaps you could find the same peace I did. In any case, you're welcome to them.

I think there are a lot of people who go through the same things. One thing though: titles and degrees don't mean as much as the education and the knowledge. And there's no one stopping you from continually learning. I would recommend if you truly want to get that degree, go for it. You sound amazing, and I know if you put your mind to it, you will achieve it! What has helped me in my life is a song by Reba McEntire: A little want to. I can loan you my inspirational song :)

Just don't ever let others define your limits. You are the only one in charge of destiny. And if you want it badly enough and put in the initial effort, the universe will help you on your way!

You got true Love? If you do, I think u are lucky then. Not a loser.