I Just Can't Make Sense Of It Anymore.

I went to work last night at four, like I usually do, and dealt with a bunch of people coming in with their snot children, like I usually do, and in the interum, I made one of the chicks I work with cry. Now, in my deepest self,  I know I meant to do it. Just like when I got sent home night before last, I knew I meant to be an *******. And I just don't know what to do. My job is my life, it's all I've really got going on. It's where my boyfriend works, it's where we met, I love it there. Why, then, am I so malicious and depressed? Why hasn't a single tale been spun at my fingertips this month? Why don't the sketch ideas come like they used to? I'm so used to having problems that I'm making them. I'm used to fighting someone. I'm used to having a goal. When I was a kid, my goal was to grow up and run as far away as I could. When I was fourteen, my goal was to make it to the court dates without killing myself. Fifteen, make it through the week to party on the weekends. Sixteen, try to have it all by being everyone's go-between for drugs. Seventeen, fool the probation officer into thinking I'm a good kid long enough to get off probation. Eighteen, try to make it through Intense Probation without killing myself. I got off in September. So yeah, I'm used to having problems, or enemies. I'm used to sympathizing with their point of view of me because it's always what they want to hear. Now, bathing in the scarlet dusk of this day that is the rest of my life, now, where do I go? Who am I without problems and enemies? Without friends? What kind of person am I now, after being exercised of my inner demons? I feel like an ******* because day-to-day, I don't pay attention to how I conduct myself. I'm always wondering if I should just kill myself now. But I've been through much too much for that thought to cross my mind, right? I've made it so far. I've learned  so much. I've forgotten who I am because I had to lock myself up to get through that intense probation ****. I've lost control, and I've lost myself. I really dropped the ball this time. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like that chick from Weeds, following my nose to wherever it takes me. I've only seen the seventh season, so I don't know the character all that well. But these are the thoughts rolling through me, all day, all night. All the shameful things I've done echo in my skin, in every familiar thing. I feel so old already, but I feel like a child. Like I was always this way and just woke up. Just like when I changed as a person all the many times before, I must again. But I can't force change. I can't force myself to FEEL any way. I can't even control my emotions. I think of them as... just temporary. I find every anger I feel more hot and intense than the last. Every sadness, ever bluer. Every happiness makes my heart skip beats. I'm scared of being nothing when I want so badly to be something. To be seen, and heard, and taken seriously and to be funny. To be the best. To change something. My other goal growing up was to leave the world a better place than when I arrived. I've just lost sight of myself. The human psyche fascinates me. All the problems and the ways we deal with them. The many facets of my own mind, the unexpected origami folds popping out and flattening all the more, until I can really, truly see what all of this is. Because without complexity, there can be no simplicity. Without pain, no pleasure. Thanks for listening.
IAmXTineNow IAmXTineNow
18-21, F
May 19, 2012