I'm Not Sure If Anyone Can Relate...

Maybe no one will ever see this, but its my experience so here goes.

I feel like a failure. Every minute of every day of every year for the past few years. And it hurts, so, so badly.

Let me first tell you how lucky I am. I'm married to someone extraordinary, who gives 100% to make me smile, and when I can't smile, he smiles for me. He's wonderful and he's mine. I have three cats. Although they drive me nuts most days, caring for them can be ridiculously expensive and half the time they would rather be alone, there are nights when they crawl into bed and lay at my feet and I love them for it. I have a family that supports me (sometimes - which is better than never though) and I have a few good friends. I have a lot to be happy with, so you might be wondering what my issue is...



I'm fat. Not, "oh, she's just a little overweight", I'm really fat. I am barely 5'2 and I weigh around 240lbs. I'm ashamed to go shopping with my friends because I can't shop at the stores where they like to shop. Unfortunately, there is no plus sized section in American Eagle, The Gap or Express. In fact, I get almost all of my clothes from a single store. Don't get me wrong, it's a great store and I love the clothes, but how sad is that? I'm afraid to try clothes on in the store, I'd rather go home and try them in the safety of my apartment. As far as under garments go, I only just recently learned that my breasts are not in fact DD's as I've been touting, rather G's. I was so mortified when the shop lady took my measurements all I could think to say was "G... for Godzilla?" (hence the handle). I tried to laugh it off but I've been crying inside. I'm a fat, ugly woman and I haven't even hit my mid 20's. How is this a failure, you might ask? Well if you don't have the privilege of being among the overweight elite, imagine that you've just come the bathroom and everyone seems to be staring at you, only to find that you have a long trail of dirty toilet paper coming from the back of your pants. That is how it feels to be fat in my little world. Only thing is you can't just tear off the tissue and go about normally, people always stare. They always whisper behind your back. When I was searching for wedding dresses, I went to a little boutique near my home and upon entering the women at the desk stopped what they were doing to stare at me. I smiled of course, doing my best to be courteous, but I felt them staring at me the whole time I was there, needless to say I booked it out of there as fast as I could. No one ever sees me. Just my weight.

 

There is of course another side to my perpetual feelings of failure, I have been in college for 6 years. I did a year and a half of community college and then I transferred to a school where I haven't been very happy but it was in-state and cheap so I sucked it up and tried to make the best of the experience. I was a Education/Spanish major. For years, I studied hard and did my best, and I excelled in my education courses but failed in my spanish. I wanted so badly to be good, to be great and it never worked. They dismissed me from the Spanish department via email. "We're sorry but your grades suck, and also, you suck. Have a great day!" It went something like that I think. I cried. And cried. And cried. When I was in sixth grade I would tell my Senora that when I was older I would live in an apartment in Madrid across the street from an art museum with a fountain in the front. It was a very specific desire but I was a very specific kid. In that moment that stupid little dream burst in my face and shattered my confidence. I had failed. FAILED. I was a failure. Am a failure, rather. And it hurts, I think I mentioned that.

 

There are nights when I just sit and cry. I will make up a story in my head, model the main character after myself and then she suffers whatever horrible thing I make her go through, and I cry for her. By crying for her I get to cry for myself, but this way doesn't feel so self-pitying. Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to. I tell my husband all of my thoughts but he's run out of words for me. No matter how awesome, or beautiful, or not-a-failure he says that I am, I can't shake what I feel. It's like a fire that no one seems to be able to put out. It's emotional gonorrhea, I guess. My friends don't understand because they've all got degrees and small waistlines. I'm all alone in this and sometimes I worry that I'll drive myself mad, because the feeling never goes away.

 

If you actually took the time to read all of this, I hope I haven't bored you to tears. Just having an open audience, full of anonymous readers and writers like little 'ol me, made me want to get the monkey  off of my back. Thanks for reading along.

GforGodzilla GforGodzilla
22-25, F
2 Responses Mar 9, 2010

WOW- much more than I have. I have no man and no job and bad health looks like the only plus I have is Im thin, so feel better. Hugs

I can just about completely relate to your story on all fronts- the great man, the horrible body, the shattered childhood dream. It's a painful experience to live each day knowing that, despite your best intentions, life may never be what you always wanted it to be.