It's A Horrible Feeling

Names differ from the real life people they refer to but here it goes.

Before I start with the life story part I should let you know some things.

I am very vulnerable to anger. I can get very angry and lose control. This has resulted in broken doors holes in walls dents in my fridge, with the side effects of bleeding and broken knuckles. It is almost like I have no care for what happens and I need to release stress by letting my anger take me over.
I am generally a nice guy, I enjoy giving people advice, especially when it works which is most of the time. I try to live life happy whenever possible, even if I am sad or tired or just not in the mood, I keep on a smile for other people, and in turn it reflects back to me.
My parents have been arguing since before I was born. My dad is on some illegal drugs I am not sure what besides marijuana, but I know it is causing mental issues. He is paranoid thinking that my mother is cheating on him whatever chance she gets, at work, when he is gone, on the way home from something, even when he is sleeping which is ridiculous because we live in a pretty small apartment.
He says all sorts of stuff and names. Yells and breaks stuff in the house. and is hostile towards everyone.
But other times, he can be a really good friend. We can all as a family have our laughs and good times, and what I enjoy more then when he is being a friend is when he is being a father. He can be the most loving and caring person I've ever met and it is hard to love him back some times after being hit by him or yelled at even. But he is probably the reason why I haven't killed myself from grief over the years.
I'm 16 years old. What I've been through made me mature on a separate pace from the rest of my age group. I am now a senior in high school and I can't find what to live for.

I used to be surrounded by great and caring people, but most of them have graduated and it makes me feel alone. I used to smoke weed and drink alcohol a lot at parties, but one time I was slipped LSD, cops came and I barely made it out and I almost died that night also. That changed my perspective on life a lot, especially about trust.

I can't trust strangers until I really get to know them anymore. All of my friends have been slipping away from me. One of my friends randomly started getting pissed off at me and our other friend for no reason. He also ditches us to play with his World of Warcraft whom he doesn't even know in person, and he's been playing since the game release so it isn't just something that popped up.

I had a friend named Holly who I liked to talk to and I thought I could trust. Also another good friend Joe was always there for me. I felt they were people I wasn't going to lose. Now they are going out. I am out of the picture, I haven't seen either of them in over a month.

I had my first official girlfriend my junior year. She was really fun to be with and I felt she cared for me and was there whenever I needed her. She started flirting with someone right in front of me, while ignoring me. I broke up with her for that the same day and I felt like I just got played and toyed around with... A few months later we started talking again and i was hanging out with her and we got carried away and had sex. It was first time for both of us. After that day she was randomly pissed off at me and didn't talk to me for weeks. Once again I felt like a huge idiot, but I knew I just had to move on.

I started talking to my friend Hannah about a lot of stuff going on in my life and she really understood me and I could tell that she really cared. We started talking/flirting for months until we both knew we really liked each other. It was brought up several times and everyone in our classes could tell that we both had something for each other, but we never got together because she didn't want a relationship. After some time it was clear we both wanted to be with each other and love was brought up. And I could honestly say that I loved her, and she said the same to me.

She still did not want to be in a relationship though. It kind of hurt me but I was willing to wait because of how strong our bond was. A few weeks after "love" was established she slept with one of my friends. This made me very angry at her because I had waited so long for just a relationship for her, yet she would randomly do that with someone I was friends with.

I was angry for a few days but I eventually shrugged it off and she had apologized blah blah blah. We had a formal dance at our school with 400 or so people. We were both there and I had dedicated the whole night to being with her, it was my mindset. My goal to make her happy. She had a hurt ankle and did not want to dance. (not an excuse she had a really bad ankle) I tried talking to her but she would constantly turn her head from me. She had never done this before. I went to talk to one of my friends, later I see her dancing with one of my old friends who I had told her that I was having issues with. I was completely overcome by anger and depression right when I saw so I called my dad to pick me up early.

After this I was just completely crushed. It was 8PM or so and I lay down in my bed not even bothering to change out of formal clothing or even taking off my shoes. When I woke up my whole body felt numb, my feelings did too. I was just a moving corpse. I remember clearly walking to get a drink of water. I came back and I couldn't feel my legs so I braced my hand against the door way. I kicked off my shoes but one of them went flying through and broke my window. I just instantly was surged with anger and I punched my wall repeatedly until a large hole was in it. Then I just broke down crying. I was so confused by all of this. My mother came in yelling at me but my dad, who is usually the angry one, was very calm and understanding. We talked for a long time and he helped me get by.

It is summer as I write this. All of my friends have been abandoning me. I rarely hang out with anyone though I make all the effort to. I try to be as good of a friend as I can be, but ever since I quit marijuana I lost 3 of my closest friends whom I am now paranoid were using me for connections. Other ones just are too hard to talk to, they seem like they do not want to talk.

I feel very upset and depressed. There is nothing in my life to live for. My friend Joe that I mentioned earlier wrote songs. Mainly rap. I showed him mine and we were impressed with eachother's work so we started making some together. From this first week of the summer we were supposed to start our studio time to record our songs. This was my first passion. It was the first career I felt I wanted to make happen. He said that he had the ride to norcal to the studio and free studio time for both of us. Now he said if I want to go that I need a ride, and I have to pay for my own time. I felt like I was betrayed. My paranoia kicks in and I wonder if he read my songs and is stealing my material. But it's over now, I lost all care for a music career.

My choice before music was the United States Marine Corps. I was always interested in joining, it felt like something I could do and make my mark. The few, the proud, the Marines. But alas, after my music career was shot down, I felt like Marine Corps was just a last resort. I thought about it for a while and then I realized, it was. I only wanted to join because there was nothing else in life that interested me.

I would go to college after high school but my parents could not afford that. It is near impossible to get a job where I live either I have taken so many applications.

In a short review of this...

I have few friends, and no close friends any more when just 8 months ago I had all the world could offer, I felt good knowing so many people that enjoyed being with and around me

My relationships have been horrid disasters resulting in me getting hurt.

My family keeps me on edge for the worst. I have inherited anger problem genes from both sides of my family.

I have no career I am interested in. Only a last option of the military so I can get away from my family ASAP while being able to provide for myself.
I feel like giving up on life. I feel like I want to lay down and close my eyes and die peacefully, but I would never be the cause of my own death by any circumstances (don't worry I am not suicidal, just need emotional help). I drowned by rage, pulled to the depths of an endless pool of hate and anger. And that anger can turn into sorrow and depression.
Repp Repp
2 Responses Jul 12, 2010

Holy ****... i basically went through the same ****. Kind of relieving to know I'm not the only one.

hey kid, thanks for sharing you're story !!! while i was reading, I got sad, happy, mad, worried, and overall I felt like i could relate. Don't go to the Marines because I believe you will become more of an angry and depressed person by at least 10x ~~~~ trust me on that one ... If you're thinking about joining the arm forces, Join the Air force ............ trust me on this one !!! I honestly can't believe your under 20 and sound so Mature !!!!!! I really hope you find your calling in life, or a passion sorta like business and become the best you can possibly be in what you do ...... remember, everyday is a new expirience, everyday is a new struggle, but every day is also a learning opportunity ....