Life Just Isn't Fair

For as long as I can remember, I have not had any real faith within myself. I constantly wonder why I am here or what it is that I am truly meant to do.
I have a close family relative with a mental illness and much earlier on in life I witnessed them have psychotic break-downs that continued on and off for about six years. My brother has a disability and a lot of problems with his eating. At one point in time it was so severe that when he was approximately my height (about 5 ft 7), he was only 36kg...almost anorexic. I was socially and emotionally bullied in primary school, and the stress occurring at home carried on into secondary school. Throughout this time in primary and secondary school, my parents would have separated at least three times. It normally resulted in them getting back together again, and then separating a couple of years later. I've learnt never to build my hopes up. 
There were plenty of additional situations that were occurring simultaneously, but these issues were probably the biggest. Because of them and my low self-esteem, I would stress a lot, and still do now. A few years back I lost a lot of weight and stopped getting my period for a long time as a result. Losing weight actually made me feel good about myself, as it was the only part of my life I had true control over (however I DO NOT recommend this to anybody else, as there are physical and psychological long-term ramifications. I was always tired and got sick I think I became even more stressed. Trust me, it is not worth it).
And now I am working casually, but the managers are nasty and treat their staff unfairly. Some of them don't really seem to like me. I am a slow worker and it takes me a little longer to learn how to perform properly in a certain workplace. For this reason I do not think that I am going to last at this place much longer :(
I have had several part-time jobs, none of which I was any good at. So now I am too nervous to enter any area of work. At times I don't think people really understand me, so I pretend to be a person I'm not. Despite me being on antidepressants, everything builds up and I cry, feeling useless and stupid; a worthless pile of dirt.
I keep wondering whether life is really worth living; whether I am really meant to be here. Death seems to be an easier alternative, and I wonder whether to take the chance.
An Ep User An EP User
3 Responses Jan 16, 2013

I beg you my dear sister,please don't give up. Your better days are yet to come.


I can really relate to you saying that you feel nervous about entering any line of work. I have spent the last 8 months doing basically nothing (I've moved with my partner so that they could pursue their job and have not been able to find anything for myself). Recently I have been offered this volunteering position, but I feel very strongly that I will not be able to do this because I have not done anything remotely useful for ages, nor that will I ever be able to do anything else because obviously I fail at everything.
I'm really sorry you feel this way. I know that just saying that probably does not help one bit, but perhaps knowing that someone else is in a slightly similar position will make you feel less alone? I am also annoyed for you because your current workplace should understand your needs - I am also a slow learner but I don't think that makes one worse than anyone else! People have different learning curves and ways to aopraoch things. You obviously are trying hard and I'm sure you are a wonderful person. I really hope things get better for you. Thank you for sharing your story.

hey there im going through the exact same thing im in a long black hole and just cant get out... my story is exactly like yours ,,,, its hard