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Plastic Smile

Recalling back all those my memory, I could hardly remember the last time I stand up for myself.Ever since in kindergarten,I was always ended up being bully.Standing tall in 142cm at age 17 would really make things worse.Everybody sees and treat me as a kid. In fact, I hate my innocence face that make everyone even my best friends making fun of with me. I didn't have the power to resist. I'm all alone..so I really need them. You understand  the 'why' is it? Even I'm good academically,I want people to see me more than that. Back in my 15 years, I was elected as student representative that made my whole world collapsed. Since i was surrounded by cool, popular people, Everyone saw me as a good leader the one who could made you laugh because she is sooo blur,the helper and bla bla..Did they care that every night I cried for what they had done to me? Nobody seemed to understand my feeling nor my mother. I did not want that position because it would reveal my true colour that the only me was a plain girl.No sense of humour,lacks of leadership(who would pay you a good respect when your own best friends bullied you? the symphaty look and advice they gave me not to be so naive was already made me sick)no creative talent to make any change for my batch. So,after lots of crying in front my mother,she gave up and transferred me into a new school.I hoped that I would find a new life. A new me .No one would ever take advantage from me.

So,early moment in the new school was a bless.I could start a new me by wearing a new mask.I named it  after my friend's name because actually i was wearing her personality. The creative one, cool,supportive,popular,friendly,good sense of humour that made everybody laugh WITH me not laughing AT me.Who knew it was such a good feeling to wear. Everyone seemed noticing me(even I was shortest in class)  but every night I ended up lying on my bed staring at the ceiling thinking what to do tomorrow , new jokes cool style. i cried and cried asking God when the masquerade would finally over.Would everyone accept me just the way  I am?

Everything now is answered this year.My secrets is all revealed by my EX best friend in old school.She tells my new best friend that the main reason I transferred into new  school is just that i wanted to run away from my problem the position I held leaving all my friends in trouble to find  a new student representative.My true colour started to reveal and I tend to be social awkwardness. My best friends started noticing this and making friends with other cool girl.Some of my friends would only come to me sharing their problems,asking me what to do and leaving me to have fun.When the three of us were walking, I would be the one who left behind.I failed to start new conversation with interesting topic letting the others popped in.The days were gone.It's better to talk with myself rather than no one wanted to hear me.At least I'm not hurting.I don't believe anyone to express my feeling. I hate the symphaty look they give.They aren't like me.They don't feel what I feel. I cried alone, sleep hoping the next day would be a new me, a new life.Behind the plastic smile and happy mask I wear everyday is only a suffering girl....
Bluerian Bluerian 16-17, F 1 Response Feb 4, 2012

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Like this site has said before, you are not alone and you don't have to be. i did just what you did, but when the time came i was forced to go back and let them see me as who i was. the first thing that came in my head was, "i cant do this" for the longest time i would avoid school... last year i missed 43 days of school because of the bullying. i talked to the school physiologist and i learned to stay back in the shadows, but when i am needed i will step out and help them, even if its my enemies.

Just when you think
Hope is lost
And giving up
Is all you got,
Blue turns black,
Your confidence is cracked,
There seems no turning back from here...

Look to the stars instead of the dark. <3