Just Twisted Up?

I'm not gonna write down my entire life. it's just that something's been bothering me. last year/this schoolyear I've started doing teacher's assistant education. if I would have my diploma, I would be able to follow a proper teacher education. anyway, since last November I've actually acknowledged being worn out. I knew, I just admitted it to myself for the first time. I was 16 back then.
since I was 14, I've had this tiredness out of stress. it's been growing and hasn't stopped untill today. this makes it hard for me to keep my head up and continueing everyday life. it's hard to get up in the first place. if my alarm clock rings, I feel irritated, and this feeling like I want to prevent the moment from happening by all means. the feeling's a huge burden and it takes me over. it's what made me skip classes. in December my tutor told me my absence was getting me in trouble. I lied to her and told her that I've been having a lot of doctor appointments. I have, just not by far as much as I told her.
I had just lost 2 dear friends of mine. I'm still not quite over it. I got a boyfriend around that time too. my first boyfriend in fact. when I'd be with him, I'd always feel very awkward. in only 2 months I imagined us living together, having kids. I really loved him. 2 days after Valentine's day, he broke up with me. I went completely reckless for a week. skipped classes, ate far too much, would cry all the time, isolate myself, overdose on anti depressants..
I wanted to call him..just to tell him I love him. almost like I really intended it. I knew it was a crazy thought. I have these kind of thoughts a lot. sometimes they result in a good thing, but mostly I realize what kind of thought it is and just try to forget about it. at the end of the week, I realized I had to get my act together. I went to my mom who was in her bedroom next to mine, and confessed. she was disappointed of course, but luckily she wasn't mad. next day at school, I confessed it all to my teacher. it was probably stupid, but I just wanted to do the right thing.
I tried to be happy, tried to forget about him. I watched anime (Japanese animated series) more than ever. I felt like I needed to be surrounded by people. I tried to pour out my feelings on paper in order not to bother people but to get rid of them so it wouldn't get stuck in my head for years. I felt like I was going crazy. I talk to myself alot, mostly in English when I'm actually Dutch. Some Japanese words. I'm extremely fascinated by languages.
I'm 17 years old now. these days feel a bit odd. the way I'm behaving I mean. we've got 2 dogs. I constantly talk to them. in japanese when I can. for some reason it's fun, makes me cheerful. I need to be cheerful in order to forget about him, and have my parents believe that I'm fine. I feel happier than ever, but I know there are still things that bother me.
I also have a lot of fantasies. the one I currently like to think of, is having ended up on tour with Motionless In White. I'm into rock music, and I love their music and I respect the band. I would just think about talking to them, help them, simple things. the thought of knowing them and talking to them makes me so happy. though I can separate it from reality. fantasies are the things you'd like to happen, and reality is another word for impossibility to me.
I also talk to the posters in my room. like the people photographed would actually understand me and the physical ones would know I excist or something. I think it's kind of weird, but it puts me at ease.
also, I've got ADHD or ADD, probably. I have to move. if I don't I feel nervous and irritated and it just grows by the time I'm sitting still. when I listen to music I have to move to the beat. it puts me at ease. my parents say I look like I'm seriously handicapted at the time. other than that, I need to fiddle. with anything; my fingers, my clothes, paper, anything I'm holding. even gum attached beneath the table =/ like, I notice it's there, and still I touch it. it's curious though, the way it feels.
I don't wash my hands after that. actually, I don't wash my hands when I'm in the bathroom, only when someone is watching me. actually, I was my hands automatically in the shower, and when I'd get my hands obviousely dirty. my personal hygiene has improved though. I won't spill the details, but I used to live kind of gross. I knew, but I just didn't mind. to nothing at all, maybe to myself, or the dogs, I would say anything.
also, I tend to be a nice person, at least so I try. it's just that I feel the urge to be praised about it, or being acknowledged. also, I have the urge to point out my opinion about anything and disguss about it.
I've got thse obsessions too. if I get into something, say, a band. the more I listen to their music, the more I want to check their wikipedia, their video's, interviews, etc. that way it turns into an obsession. I'll write about it, irritate everyone by talking about it all the time, etc. depends on how obsessed I am, but at some point it ends. when I was 11 I had a huge obsession with the backstreet boys and it lasted for 1 year. right now I'm also a lot into the bands Black Veil brides and Asking Alexandria. I try listening to their music as less as I can and try to be occupied with other things than these bands, because I'm actually afraid of getting over them.
furtherly I guess my self esteem is pretty low.
please tell me what you think of this. I don't know if I should be bothered by certain things and sometimes I don't know what to think of myself. sometimes it gets frustating. thanks for reading it.
puripuru puripuru
May 24, 2012