Going No Where???

I am at the end of my rope - how much can a single soul take? When I was young I had time before me, now that time is running out - granted maybe not as quickly as it feels, running
out just the same. I actually thought by the time I was 50 (at least) I would have it together,
not for the lack of trying, it has not happened. My life should be a survival story, yet it remains to be seen if I actually survive or not.

I cannot comprehend how I managed to be here this long, but it seems to be for naught.
Trying to figure it all out....what ever that means.
Grew up in a disfunctional/abusive home, many homes - 3 states, 7th grade 'grad' after 5 schools, raped by 5 boys from junior high - couldn't tell anyone, so no one knew for years, droppped out, ran away - hitch-hiked (26 states and Tiajuana; beat up, raped, kidnapped, sold and almost killed), got GED (10 years after dropping out), earned Associates Degree
in Accounting/Business Management 10 years later.

Recently diagnosed with PTSD, depression and bi-polar to boot (I feel it is accumulated life experience of the bad kind, not so much the bi-polarness) unemployed, no home (got injured, lost job, father died the same month that they foreclosed on the home I WAS BUYING in 2007), no income, 20 years experience, would work for free - just to prove my point - I am good at what I do and I am not afraid to work hard. No takers - I'm too old, too experienced and they think I want too much money, money - which is not MY DRIVING FORCE, yet I do need it to live.

I am fun, but I don't play games - what it is, is what it is!

I do not know what I am expected to do at this late stage of my life, the things I've
experienced as a youth would be recognized in this day and age, but when I was young -
we were blamed for our actions and condemed as 'bad seeds' and just no good. I never
really recieved the help I needed to deal with my life's experiences. Too bad, it seems I am
too late to fix what has been wrong for so, so long.

I have tried to be a productive citizen, tried to get an education, but I don't belong to anyone,
anywhere or anything.
too bad so sad

it's out there now, isn't it???
chillapuff chillapuff
51-55, F
1 Response Sep 19, 2012

I hope things have gotten better for you . I didn't elaborate on my life experiences . They are not exactly all pretty either . I feel for you deeply . I think despite all you have had to endure over the years you still remain an intelligent and worthy human being . Don't give up whatever u do