Why? I Don't Know. But I Still Feel Like Crap.

This feeling has been with me all my life. I just never fully realized that I felt this way; I'm used to it. I honestly can't remember a time when I was truly happy with myself for a prolonged amount of time. Yes, I do have my moments, but generally, I just feel... lacking somehow.

I always feel like there is something about me that needs fixing. My messiness, my lack of focus, my weight, my impatience, my flair for the dramatic, the fact that I'm so easily upset. And it frustrates me, because if I were to commit to fixing all my flaws, I could never be at peace. I could never learn to accept myself. And I want to.

I used to think I had learned to accept myself, but lately I've realized that was only because that's what I've been telling everyone for years now. To protect myself from people who prey on those with low self esteem. Because in high school, there are many. So I fought back by acting like I couldn't care less, and it helped. They left me alone. I made real, true friends that still mean the world to me today. But I still can't be at peace with myself.

I feel like I need to apologize for everything I do all the f*cking time. I feel guilty for smoking, not towards myself because it's bad for me, but towards everyone else. Which is ridiculous, because I'd never bother anyone with my smoking. I feel guilty towards my parents when I'm not home much. I feel like I need to apologize for feeling comfortable in my own skin even though I am overweight. Which is really screwed up, because even though my weight in itself doesn't bother me, the fact that everyone else thinks thin is prettier makes me feel like I don't have the right to feel beautiful. I feel like I need to apologize for not being emotionally stable. For feeling depressed. For crying about stupid things. I feel like my thoughts and feelings are less important than anyone else's, and therefore until recently I couldn't even bring myself to find a therapist even though I know I probably have depression.

And why? Why do I feel this way? Why would my feelings be any less valid than anyone else's? I have no idea. I KNOW this is stupid, yet I still feel this way and I can't seem to stop it. My mind really is a crazy thing.
TheRealJade TheRealJade
18-21, F
Sep 16, 2012