That Girl.

over two years i guess ive been battling against someone else i know.

as it is, im hard to please as far as my own attainment goes, and as a result i just give in before i start half the time because i never do well enough.

the year before i met a girl who got into a relationship with my best friend, currently boyfriend. to cut it short she was a bit spoilt, tried to force him to change and broadcasted his mental issues as if they were some sort of designer clothing.

they ended, as expected. and it had to be my fault, as expected. in her mind i was sleeping with him. in reality i was trying to keep them together because i was unaware of how unhappy they both were.

the problem is the girl has never had difficulties in life. she always got what she wanted and needed. im not the most unfortunate person myself, id like to consider my life as having been pretty good. my parents are fantastic and my friends really care.

but wether its real or percieved, she always seems to be better than me. shes always doing something interesting, always doing well at school and whatever she chooses to do. im not stupid, im not deficient, i dont see why i cant do like she does and better.

i love my friends and my boyfriend to pieces, i really do. but i worry. because i can see the way they think and to be honest, they need to grow up. what teenager doesnt? its not a massive problem, but im worried it will affect their future. strike that, it already has.

im sick of hearing praises from the rooftops about this girl, when i KNOW im as good as her and noone notices me. i know i have my wonky bits that make people go off me. certain things have changed me and i know im paranoid and stuff.

i think my hormonal levels have affected this all too, to be honest :P i have polycystic ovarian syndrome, and yeah whatever. that i can cope with. but i think something went wrong with my contraception and theres a high chance given the symptoms that im pregnant. i cant do anything for a week because its too early to test.

maybe i expect too much from myself, or maybe im just crap at life :P but with my school grades starting to slip, my moods swinging like crazy, my bf's family suffering from the recent divorce, my boyfriend being ill, and a whole load of other stuff i just want her to disappear. because i feel like ive pinned all my feelings of self dissappointment on her, because thats what i feel everytime i see her. she makes me realise just how crap i am.

im not very organised. this doesnt help. everything takes longer. sometimes i just ... no all the time. i wish i was born as one of those girls who seem to fly through life, being intelligent, getting achievements, getting a good job and a good family with a good house etc etc etc. my biology class appears to be full of them. my dad claims that my artistic ability makes up for my past instability, but i dont think so because the aformentioned girl has all the creativity without the instability. ive done some things i really regret, and ive scarred most of my body because of it all. i need to either work out how to get my act together, or learn to settle for less.

xselfyx xselfyx
18-21, F
3 Responses Mar 8, 2010

i'm sure there r things u do well.do not worry to much about not doing what everyone else wants u to do. i know its easier said then done. i'm there with u. try and look at your pluses in life. u have a great start on this site. i'm giving u a well needed hug right now. i will NEVER tell u that u need to do better. i'm proud of u for u being u. no matter what.ok.

yeah, its like i fail, at pretty much everything :P or less that i fail, more that theres always someone who beats me :P but sure ^^

i'm feeling alot like u, disscontented with life. i'd like to be your friend.