I Can't Communicate How I Feel Anymore.
Here is my story....
My husband and I have been married about 5 1/2 years. I admit that when I was younger and when we were first married, I had a lot of growing to do. I probably talked about how I felt too much, and was a little overly expressive. Kind of the way many young women I know tend to be. After a couple of years of marriage and one baby we functioned together much better, and have a matured a lot. Now we have 2 children and, he has a career, I'm trying to put one together, we run a lot more smoothley as a family. There is just one thing.
How I feel or how I'm affected by lifes situations seems to be of no concern. I guess thats why I'm here. I can't talk about how I feel about events, decisions, or what life deals us. If I do talk there isn't anyone there listening, because he checked out about 1 minuet into the conversation and now he looks at me with the same beaty eyes as the stuffed rabbit that my kids left laying on the living room floor. He pretends to listen, he makes these little utterances to give the illusion that he is listening. I'm not fooled. He is thinking about work, money, his family, or just being numb. I'm not saying that those things aren't important and don't deserve attention. There are just times when I need some real time from him.
My husband is in the Navy. We move a lot. This affects us in so many ways. This affects me in so many ways. However, if I talk about it then I'm making him feel bad about things he says he can't control. Nobody would have time to read all that I have to say about this aspect of our lives. It just runs sooo deep.
I'm a nurse, and I work part time. I want to do more to turn this job into a career. I agree that now probably isn't the time to dive into this desire of mine too deep. However when I try to take little steps to improve my "nurse life". There just isn't anybody standing behind me, the way I feel like I have planted my feet behind him to help him grow his career. However any conversation that I have started about this in the last year has ended in silence. I talk, he stands and listens, and has no response.
I have recently succeded at a moderate weight loss. Nothing huge, just 30 or so pounds. I'm back to where I wanted to be. My weight has always created stress in our relationship. He is the first to admit he has not always been kind when we have spoke about this topic. I didn't loose the weight totally for him, or even mostley for him. However, I did have certain expectations that he would respond to the weightloss a certain way. This just didn't happen. He has told me that I look nice, even mentioned sexy a few times. His actions didn't change though. I wanted him to find me irresistable. I wanted him to flirt with me again. I wanted him to find it hard not to cop a feel occasionally over dishes. Not happening. I was living in a fantasy in this one. I have made changes. I feel sexier so I initiate the romance a lot more. I flirt with him. I put a lot of effort into the way I look trying to get his attention. I have even flat out told him how I feel about it. Again, nobody's home. He'll say he gets it and that he's sorry, but his actions (or lack there of) say otherwise.
I feel like I'm always giving. Giving to my kids, giving to my husband, giving to my family, giving to my patients, giving to my co-workers. I need him to take notice. I hate that I have to directley ask for anything. I'm always doing little things to let him know that I'm thankful for him, proud of him, that I love him. I just want like 1/10th of that back.
As a result...
I've quit talking. I don't know what else to say. I have said everything that I can think of to let him know what I need to change. It's almost gotten hard to talk about it, because it's so disapointing. I don't say how I feel about anything that really matters. You won't be surprised that he hasn't noticed or hasn't wanted to mention so.