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I Can't Communicate How I Feel Anymore.

Here is my story....

My husband and I have been married about 5 1/2 years. I admit that when I was younger and when we were first married, I had a lot of growing to do.  I probably talked about how I felt too much, and was a little overly expressive.  Kind of the way many young women I know tend to be.  After a couple of years of marriage and one baby we functioned together much better, and have a matured a lot.  Now we have 2 children and, he has a career, I'm trying to put one together, we run a lot more smoothley as a family. There is just one thing.

Now....

How I feel or how I'm affected by lifes situations seems to be of no concern.  I guess thats why I'm here.  I can't talk about how I feel about events, decisions, or what life deals us. If I do talk there isn't anyone there listening, because he checked out about 1 minuet into the conversation and now he looks at me with the same beaty eyes as the stuffed rabbit that my kids left laying on the living room floor.  He pretends to listen, he makes these little utterances to give the illusion that he is listening. I'm not fooled.  He is thinking about work, money, his family, or just being numb.  I'm not saying that those things aren't important and don't deserve attention.  There are just times when I need some real time from him.

My husband is in the Navy. We move a lot. This affects us in so many ways. This affects me in so many ways.  However, if I talk about it then I'm making him feel bad about things he says he can't control.  Nobody would have time to read all that I have to say about this aspect of our lives. It just runs sooo deep.

I'm a nurse, and I work part time. I want to do more to turn this job into a career.  I agree that now probably isn't the time to dive into this desire of mine too deep. However when I try to take little steps to improve my "nurse life".  There just isn't anybody standing behind me, the way I feel like I have planted my feet behind him to help him grow his career.  However any conversation that I have started about this in the last year has ended in silence.  I talk, he stands and listens, and has no response.

I have recently succeded at a moderate weight loss. Nothing huge, just 30 or so pounds.  I'm back to where I wanted to be.  My weight has always created stress in our relationship.  He is the first to admit he has not always been kind when we have spoke about this topic.  I didn't loose the weight totally for him, or even mostley for him. However, I did have certain expectations that he would respond to the weightloss a certain way.  This just didn't happen.  He has told me that I look nice, even mentioned sexy a few times.  His actions didn't change though.  I wanted him to find me irresistable.  I wanted him to flirt with me again. I wanted him to find it hard not to cop a feel occasionally over dishes.  Not happening. I was living in a fantasy in this one.  I have made changes. I feel sexier so I initiate the romance a lot more.  I flirt with him.  I put a lot of effort into the way I look trying to get his attention.  I have even flat out told him how I feel about it. Again, nobody's home.  He'll say he gets it and that he's sorry, but his actions (or lack there of) say otherwise.

I feel like I'm always giving. Giving to my kids, giving to my husband, giving to my family, giving to my patients, giving to my co-workers.  I need him to take notice.  I hate that I have to directley ask for anything.  I'm always doing little things to let him know that I'm thankful for him, proud of him, that I love him.  I just want like 1/10th of that back. 

As a result...

I've quit talking. I don't know what else to say. I have said everything that I can think of to let him know what I need to change. It's almost gotten hard to talk about it, because it's so disapointing.  I don't say how I feel about anything that really matters.  You won't be surprised that he hasn't noticed or hasn't wanted to mention so. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

medorn medorn 31-35, F 17 Responses Jul 2, 2008

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Please friend me on Facebook at www.friendKarensPage.com I Know I have something that could help

Wow! This is exactly how I feel. I am also a nurse. In a similar situation. Give and give and seldom receive. I give up but secretly I don't want to. I want to feel loved and I want to love. I want to be desired. I still look great and he is so far away, I have no one to share it with.

Wow it's almost as if I wrote that. Lol just different careers. So don't feel alone.. There is people out there that are in the same boat. I'm like you... Lost in searching for a solution....

Hi,

(congratulations on the weight loss, by the way.)
My 2 cents is to let your husband know you are not looking for him to find solutions to your life's problems but that you merely want to know you are being heard.

And don't stop communicating. It can be a dark and lonely place when communication stops.

your husband is a ***** for hurting your feeling about your weight, I always said to my wife, 120 or 190 lbs I don't care, I would still chase her around the house and tell her " baby get those panties off" LOL, THAT is love and YOU deserve to be loved in your marriage....

Let me email him a link to this confession, you stated it well

I could have written that myself. I often say to myself I feel utterly and helplessly ALONE! My husband I thought used to be my best friend is absent. He's here in the physical but he takes no notice of me. He barely pays attention to my two kids. He's either working or on his computer or phone when he's at home. I've tried everything. I've broken down cried and begged for his attention. He's acknowledged my feelings once and that was it. It got better for about a week and went right back to me feeling ignored and alone. I've actually been lying next to him tonight in bed with silent tears streaming down my face and he has not even noticed! Hasn't said one word. We argued tonight over an upcoming trip to see my mom. He says we can't afford it and that's it. The discussion is shut down. I get no say. I am a stay at home mom. I get no say in any if the decisions because I'm not the breadwinner. But even when I was bringing in a pretty hefty salary before we got married and had kids I got no say in financial decisions. I often ask myself did I make a HUGE mistake marrying my husband? Perhaps I thought he was something he just isn't! Or did we change too much! We've oy been married four years but together for almost 9.

i am going through something like this what can one do. my husband will come home when i am at home and go to his office and talk the his friends an the pc maybe two three hour after he's home dose he even know i am here i know he dose not hear what i say.i told him i was going out for a walk. about and half hour later he when to see what i was doing. did not know where i was. he tells me know what you said is he really listen or what or is there some thing more that he is thinking about it sure is not me. the person that loves him. we been together 8 years this second marrage for both of us and i really want this to work one i love this man and he good to me he just tune me out because his xwife still has a lot to with it she can make this man do thing that are not even right for any human.

Therapyforme: I don't know that I could put my finger on one thing that has changed, because everything has changed. I will say that we go through the same peaks and valley's we always have, we are just better at recognizing it before it gets out of hand. We have learned how to address these times with the benefit of learning from what we have already gone through.

Medorn, what happened that made thing change? I guess I'm searching for hope in my hopeless situation.

So it's amazing to look back and re-read all this. I'm in such a different place. EVERYTHING is better. We are still together. We have both changed sooo much. Our life is beautiful and I wouldn't change a thing.....especially the past. You won't be surprised to hear that in hind site we both needed to change. It wasn't one "thing", it was a multitude of little "things". I mentioned above that I was always giving and that I needed him to take notice. Now I fear the tables have turned. I need to be the one to show my appreciation more. He has clearly made it a part of his daily routine to think about me and what my day has entailed. He is always saying thankyou for the little things, the things that used to go unnoticed. I need to pay more attention in that area now. Such a short amount of time, such a different place I'm in. Thank you to those of you have read this. If you hadn't I wouldn't have reflected on it. It's funny when I look back I can see more clearly all the other things that would have been taking it's toll on us at that time. We had just bought our first home a year prior, look at the year (not the best timing). He was in one of the most stressful roles at his job that he has had to date. We had little kids (littler than they are now). All of this plays it's part. Peaks and valleys, peaks and valleys, and such is life.

So it's amazing to look back and re-read all this. I'm in such a different place. EVERYTHING is better. We are still together. We have both changed sooo much. Our life is beautiful and I wouldn't change a thing.....especially the past. You won't be surprised to hear that in hind site we both needed to change. It wasn't one "thing", it was a multitude of little "things". I mentioned above that I was always giving and that I needed him to take notice. Now I fear the tables have turned. I need to be the one to show my appreciation more. He has clearly made it a part of his daily routine to think about me and what my day has entailed. He is always saying thankyou for the little things, the things that used to go unnoticed. I need to pay more attention in that area now. Such a short amount of time, such a different place I'm in. Thank you to those of you have read this. If you hadn't I wouldn't have reflected on it. It's funny when I look back I can see more clearly all the other things that would have been taking it's toll on us at that time. We had just bought our first home a year prior, look at the year (not the best timing). He was in one of the most stressful roles at his job that he has had to date. We had little kids (littler than they are now). All of this plays it's part. Peaks and valleys, peaks and valleys, and such is life.

I feel for us all.

So now that more than two years has gone by (and I'm just now seeing this post/experience), have things progressed at all? Also if I had read your story around the time that you posted it, my advice would have been to not only keep up what you were already doing, but to add one more thing to it. Go off and start being your own person. THAT would have gotten your husband thinking, and missing you for sure. Perhaps even worried that other men may be finding you attractive out there in the world. I am giving this advice, but yet I'm not taking it for myself, because I am in the same situation as you were, but minus the will power to lose the weight I need to lose, and minus the ability to feel sexy, therefore I have not even reached the point yet of going out and being my own person. Good luck to you and I hope things have gotten better!

OMG!!! You're saying 30 lbs. or so is not that "huge"? Uh... YES it IS!!! That is a MAJOR accomplishment... honestly, it's all I can do not to jump up & down!!! do NOT!!! minimize that major milestone!!! YOU GO, GO, GO GIRL!!!!<br />
Let me recommend 2 books:<br />
"Why Men Love *******" by ???<br />
&<br />
"Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts"<br />
http://www.mamagenas.com/<br />
<br />
Don't worry about talking anymore! <br />
<br />
Men want to pursue; let him!

Im so sorry about your situation, but I do know exactly how you feel the best advice I can give to you and I also have to apply for myself is to truly let go and let god take care of it and he will....cast your cares upon the lord for he cares about how we feel...if you want to talk with someone tell him, somtimes I have the feeling to talk to sombody human but there is know one around so that is how I found this site..and it has blessed me. You can talk and sombody does read and actually listen. So just be encourage and know that you are not alone!!

OMG, Its like I am going through the same thing, I just dont know what to do anymore. But one thing I can tell you is just keep loving you and dont forget about you, as women we tend to to this sometimes. I pray things get better for you