Praise?

Until now, I feel like everything I do isn't good enough for my family.  I feel like they're disappointed with me; that I didn't live up to their expectations.  I never got the best grades in college...my GPA wasn't very high...I struggled during some classes.  However, I finished in four years.  4 years!  That's basically unheard of nowadays.  I secured a job right out of school.  I'm gradually working my way up the corporate ladder now.  However, even though I've accomplished everything in the 'right order' (in their traditional valued eyes), I still feel as though THEY think that something is missing.  As though I haven't yet lived up to my full potential.

How much more do they expect of me?  That's what I don't understand.  As much as I do, will they ever recognize my accomplishments?  They never seem to have anything positve to say to me.  Instead, they'll always find ways to cut me down and tell ME what I need to do to better myself.

This then causes me to doubt my own self worth.  My way of life.  My existence even, as ridiculous as it sounds.  To me, it's as if I'm on this constant quest to seek approval from my family.  25 years later and I feel like I'm on path that has no end, no destination in sight.

Maybe I'm too harsh on myself.  Maybe that's just how my family is and I can't do anything to change them.  But...I just want ONE day where they'll tell me that they're proud of me.  I struggle carrying this burden...that I've disappointed my family.  If they would ONE day tell me that I haven't disappointed them, maybe my attitude would change...maybe then I'd realize that I could start living for myself...not for them, not for their approval.

Is that too much to ask for?
qlcrisis qlcrisis
22-25, F
May 21, 2007