A Myriad Of Painful Situations, A Soap Opera Existence, I Want To Be Normal Again....

So 8 months ago I found out my then husband was cheating on me. What has unfolded since has taken me on a rollercoaster ride that is out of my control and leaving me feeling like I don't have a stable footing any more. I no longer feel like I belong any where.

My world was rocked to it's core when I discovered that the man I loved was having an affair. My perfect little world came crashing down around me. Then I found out she was a client of his. He was a psychologist. For fear of him losing his job, and me my child support, I had to keep silent. I tried to see a psychologist and keep his profession secret. She guessed what line of work he was in and tried to report it, but given it was second hand information it wasn't accepted at the time, much to my relief. So I had to learn to lie better when I went to get the help I so desperately needed. I had 2 young children, 8 months old and one about to turn 3 and I was petrified about my future alone as a single mum. I was still on maternity leave when I found out and had to arrange to go back to work earlier.

Over the upcoming months I badgered him into disclosing everything. Bit by bit, over two weeks, he disclosed more women, affair websites, a p@rn addiction, that he was self pleasuring an@lly with vegetables at work and filming himself. Then he confessed that he and the last woman had gone ahead with two encounters with a dog. Yep be@stiality!

Connecting the person who I now saw in front of me with the man I married was almost impossible for such a long time. I craved to have my old mundane life back, the man I thought i was married to, my security and stability and much easier existence. I, in my state of denial, begged him to come back home. The kids had been sick for 3 months flat, I was struggling emotionally, I wanted normality. He refused. He treated me like the enemy, like I was out to get him. Then on occasions he would turn to me, when he threatened to kill himself. I had to counsel him. He had no one. Yet it was adding to my pain and suffering every time I had to bravely swallow my own pain and suffering to help the man who had just destroyed my life.

I started working through my issues and dealing with the enormity of the situtation, when another blow happened. She, the last woman - the client, reported him to the Health Care Complaints Commission. She had tried, on at least two occasions that I know of, to get into contact with him after he broke off with her and I can only assume this was her revenge. I had previously begged this woman to keep quiet. How, pathetic I was, to grovel to a woman who knowing the kids and I existed, pursued and slept with my husband. I was so desperate, and I lowered myself to his and her level by grovelling for help to minimize the impact on me. It's not like it was damaging her or anyone else though. I mean it had been a consentual relationship, I had already asked him to change professions at the end of the year, what was the point in her reporting him, it would just put the kids and me in a more desperate situation than we were already in. We didn't ask for any of this. He told her the last time she contacted him that 'this is the last point of contact, I'm trying to move on and get the help I need now, we can't see each other or be in contact again'. I can only assume it was out of anger due to the rejection, because the next thing I know my ex was calling me telling me that 6 men had barged into his parents home with a warrant, taking his computer, phone and hard drive.

He was now under investigation. A process I learned would take months. He immediately lost one of his jobs, and the other one (thankfully) put him on suspension with pay till the end of the inquiry. When he would lose that, I would have no child support and be all on my own supporting the kids. He found out that indemnity insurance wouldn't cover him as there was a crime involved, which the woman reported as well, although left out the part about her being involved. If she sued him for malpractice, she could get my house. We hadn't gone through settlement at that stage, still dealing with the grief of it all, and the house was only in his name. I frantically tried to organize settlement so she wouldn't take everything from the kids and me. I was entitled to my home, not some s!ut who willingly went into the relationship and then cried victim when he dumped her (oh and yes, I read all the e-mails and she was willing and even persued him knowing his wife was in hospital with their newborn child).

Again, trying to get my life into order, I started the settlement documents with my solicitor and frantically looked for someone who would take me seriously as an applicant for a home loan. Then his solicitor called him and informed him that forensics had completed going through his computer and they had found photos of the crime and all his e-mails. She submitted another 20 page complaint. One can only imagine that it was to put all the blame onto him and make herself look like more of a victim since they found photos of her being done by a dog. Yes he was wrong and to blame, but if they both committed this crime willingly, why should he be the only one to take the wrap, why should she get off? I just know because of his profession, they will say he was in a position of power and will come down harder with the sentencing. Although at the end of the day, can you really trust anyone in this world. We all have free will and are all open to sin, who is to say that a psychologist is any more saintly or capable than a shop assistant? Shouldn't any person involved in a crime be considered equal to other offenders of that act? I guess time will tell, it has still to go criminal after the HCCC investigation is finalized, but one thing was sure, he was in serious trouble, he was possibly facing 14 years prision. It was even suggested that the kids and I would need to change our names as this would hit the press when it came out.

So 8 months of dealing with such a load, when I came from a normal loving family, had thought I was living in the same, to find out over night what type of man he was, it was shattering. To this day I still find it hard to believe it is my life and yet I must still go on.

I feel like I don't belong, not with my family, friends, work colleague, not with anyone or anywhere. No one understands what I am going through. I feel alien in my own home, town and country. I feel like have been tainted by my ex's choices, like people judge me just because I married him, like I have nothing in common with anyone anymore. I am living this nightmare, day in day out and it is killing me. If it wasn't for my kids I'd say I want out. Out of this life, out of this pain, out of this sick and twisted scenario I find myself dragged into.

I want to belong again, I want to feel normal again, I want to just survive and be plain old boring me. God help me.... I feel so alone.
deleted deleted
26-30
1 Response Dec 11, 2012

I don't know what to say, Ms.. After reading this, I agree with you: it is an enormous situation, quite disturbing, quite unsettling. I will have to go over what I wrote concerning your other story "My Children And I Are The Only Victims Here!!!". Like many others, it seems, I pointed the finger to your ex-husband. I took good note of this:
"One can only imagine that it was to put all the blame onto him and make herself look like more of a victim since they found photos of her being done by a dog. Yes he was wrong and to blame, but if they both committed this crime willingly, why should he be the only one to take the wrap, why should she get off? I just know because of his profession, they will say he was in a position of power and will come down harder with the sentencing. Although at the end of the day, can you really trust anyone in this world. We all have free will and are all open to sin, who is to say that a psychologist is any more saintly or capable than a shop assistant? Shouldn't any person involved in a crime be considered equal to other offenders of that act?"
You are asking important, difficult questions. Much thought must be given to this.
I also took good note of this:
"So 8 months of dealing with such a load, when I came from a normal loving family, had thought I was living in the same, to find out over night what type of man he was, it was shattering. To this day I still find it hard to believe it is my life and yet I must still go on.
I feel like I don't belong, not with my family, friends, work colleague, not with anyone or anywhere. No one understands what I am going through. I feel alien in my own home, town and country. I feel like have been tainted by my ex's choices, like people judge me just because I married him, like I have nothing in common with anyone anymore. I am living this nightmare, day in day out and it is killing me. If it wasn't for my kids I'd say I want out."
I am trying to understand what you are going through. It does seem like a very big load. I guess I somewhat understand that if it wasn't for your kids you'd say you want out. Out of this life, out of this pain, out of this sick and twisted scenario you find yourself dragged into. However, in good conscience, I could not encourage you to do so, even if your kids weren't there.
But I feel your pain, I hear your cry. And I just want you to know that, though you feel like so, no, you're not alone. Could I help you? If so, how? Not easy questions to answer. I don't even know if you want my help. I nevertheless offer it to you. You are of course free, it is of course legitimate, to accept it or not.
Again, to you, and to your two small ones, I wish a pleasant, peaceful day.