No Hometown

During the course of my 20 years so far, I have never belonged. Up until about 2 years ago, I always had valid excuses but even then I knew something wasn't quite right. When I was a child I grew up in Oregon with an abusive mother and a family that looked the other way, when they didn't facilitate problems. I was born in California, and I spent my entire childhood being told about how someday we would all move back. I spent my entire childhood hiding in nature, behind books, and in music. I hid from the peers who bullied me, the mom who abused me, and I clung to the chance to fit in somewhere else. When I was 12, I was carted back to California and had to leave my beautiful forest behind, for what I felt was a worthy trade: acceptance. I really did believe that if I found friends life would become drastically better. Sure, I've made a lot of friends over the years. For some reason though, no matter what I do I don't belong here. I made good grades in school, and in college but it doesn't help much. I work hard at my job, am independent, have a steady long term relationship (he's the coolest guy ever!) and yet that hole is still in my chest. I don't think any amount of money, children, friends, or life experience will completely fill it. No matter how much I succeed, I don't fit in. I am sadly not the only one who has noticed that I don't fit in. I've had countless guys accuse me of "captivating" them (the exact word used) . I have had even more girls dislike me for unvoiced reasons, no matter my approach. I think the strangest things I have noticed would be that an odd number of people have accused me of being a witch, and that my dad looked me up on the Jovian calendar, found that I am "part of 1% of the population", and has clung to it since. Seriously, the simpler explanation is that I just don't fit in here! I just want to say that as depressing and antisocial as this all sounds, I do have some close friends, acquaintances and love. So I don't have many female friends, but I am not sitting alone in a dark corner crying right now. None-the-less, I have always been alone to a certain degree.
What I can't help but wonder time and time again is "Why?" Just, why? I officially "have a life" and yet I still find myself submerging myself in books, movies, and music to escape from this feeling. I feel like there is something important that I have forgotten. Most nights I am haunted by this "something" and I don't even know what it is. I used to wonder if it was a person missing, or a place. These days, I think it's even more than both. What am I supposed to do? Above all I wonder if I'm here as some kind of test...or punishment? What are your thoughts?
Stephgirl5 Stephgirl5
22-25, F
4 Responses Jan 17, 2013

I have started this PRIVATE group just for people like us, so that no-one else but us can see it. Please join us there. It's safe and secret. You're NOT alone:

Hey there! How I do wish I had an answer to your every question, but I don't.I too have lived with that " something." That question of why,or as I called it that "void." Till this day I still ponder over why can't the unexplainable be explained? I will say that your not alone therefore you do belong.Just keep being you and hopefully the "why" and the "something" will be revealed to you.

there's this song by gnarles barkley called Crazy and my favourite line is this; "it wasn't because i didnt know enough, it was because i knew too much. does that make me crazy?'

i love the way you write. it is so eloquent. i feel like we, the misfits, are here for some reason. or perhaps i wish this to be true because otherwise this ache in my chest has no reason to be and would be even more annoying. perhaps the way we feel, and what we see is a message to the world. a hint at change. because we aren't alone. there are many scattered around the world who feel like lost souls, above and beyond the norm in society. barefeet in nature is where we are most ourselves. perhaps what we need to do is SPEAK. no matter how crazy it may sound some will listen, some with the spark to ignite and with all this comes a better world. so don't fret, look up indigo child online, dear, and sit comfortably in knowing you are special in your weirdness and that you are loved. think about it, would you really want to be anyone but yourself, having your own thoughts and ideals... as much as i wish i were normal, when i look at 'normal' people, easy people, i do not desire to have their minds and lives.