Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

My Life Is A Prison A Golden Cage

It's bad enough to feel lost at any age...but when you are a 37 year old married mom it's even worse. Lately I have been feeling so torn about the love for my family and my children and the need to get away. I was not born in this country, I am adoptive and this is just not my place to be. I feel it in my bones that all of this is just so wrong. On the other hand I have two wonderful children of 10 and 14 and a husband who listens to all of my sadness and we're both well aware that things will never change. Will I die this way? Will I never be able to go back to my beloved Canada? I feel so overwhelmed and stuck and full of wishes and desires that I'm not supposed to have because I'm 37 and I'm a MOM for God's sake! I can't let myself wish I hadn't gotten married so young so I could have had more experiences, travel, and sure, even hook up with a few more people! I look at myself in the mirror to what used to be a beautiful young girl and all I see is a sad, fat, depressed woman. Everyone sees me smile...they don't know I'm slowly dying inside...
thehummingowl thehummingowl 36-40, F 17 Responses Nov 5, 2011

Your Response


Not only are your adorable/gorgeous/&cute... But you are also very honest !!! Thank you for sharing : )


fly, fly away

Wow, how I feel your pain!! I feel horrible and selfish for being unhappy, yet I cannot change how I feel and grow more weary on a daily basis. I've just lost myself somewhere along the way! I hate looking in the mirror, I've changed so much...really just let myself go. What do we do? I'm tired of feeling this way!!

I know how you feel. More than you think . I did not add the presence of a particular person to this picture here, which make me feel even more torn. No I'm not having an affair, but my hormones really want to :(

I can sense a feeling of desperation in everyword.<br />
Its not always easy to look to the positves in life, and there are times when life itself for whatever reason can become overbearing.<br />
I have never experianced living out of my country of birth ( apart from travel) I have never experiance long term migragtion. So it is difficult for me to advise.<br />
so I would like to say a few words on the person I have got to know slightly by reading your stories and comments.<br />
You appear to me to be a well grounded individual, who has reached a time in her life where you are beging to question, this is not uncommon, in fact it is the norm.<br />
I would put most of the questions you are dealing with down to the early marriage.<br />
This is only Natural, you setteled down at a very early age, So you will ask questions.( About what might have been?)<br />
these questions will remain unresolved, because it is impossible to turn back the clock. But it is also impossible not to question the ( Just Maybe) or ( What if)<br />
You can console yourself on having a loving husband and two children, but again this will not always help when one is in search of oneself.<br />
I hope these feeling soon pass, and that your soul and spirit can reconcile with the life you have.<br />
You are a bright, intelligent woman, ( I have never known a woman that looks in the mirror and is pleased with what they see) but you have a real soul, and a beatuy within that is a rareity.<br />
I hope you find an inner happiness.

that was very uplifting. i try to fill my life with many passions and studies and I am totally in love with my family, very much so...but not having roots anywhere will also be something that to an extent will haunt me forever

The love for your family is obvious in all you write.
at this point in your life you are a little lost, but with your love for you family and your strentgh of character ( to be individual ) you will find away, you must never feel guilt for having feelings, we all experiance such things, yet you have the strenght to put your feelings into words, not everyone has that ability.....I wish you and your family much happiness in the future, A happiness i am sure you will find again.

In a way,I think we've all journied down the path you're stumbling upon,or at least one similkar to it.Of course,I'm not suggesting I fully understand your plight,being a 40 yr olld man,married with kids,but I think most of us find ourselves at a crossroads sooner or later,wondering how we got here,and was it the right decission.Heaven knows,I've made mistakes,and there are things I might do differently,if I had the cha.ce.Unfortunately though,there are no do overs,and by now,any changes I might make,would not only effect me,but many others around me would be effected by my decission,so,I've learned to settle,and live with the choices I have made,and at the same time,found ways to change my life,that would help,if not fix my problems,without hurting the ones I care the most about.I don't know that any of this helps you,but it did allow me to explore my soul a little bit,so for that,I thank you,and I hope you find your way back home,where ever that turns out to be.

That meant a really did. And it made me think. Thank you for sharing xoxo

I'm so glad,and please forgive the gramatical errors,I'm using my cell,and this little keypad sucks.Sometimes,size does

LMAO! You're funny. Thanks for the smile! (hug)

Any time.Everyone is entitled to them,but so few of us cash in on it.I say,take em when you can get em',they're free.:)

1 More Response

It takes a measure of courage for you to admit this. If you were male you'd almost be forgiven. You know, quiet desperation and all that. And yet you've only just voiced what many feel.<br />
<br />
You mention your desire to return to Canada, but I sense a deeper restlessness in you. And it's a feeling I can certainly identify with. I've never been able to reconcile the paradox that is me. One one hand, I value my independence and wish to have no ties to anyone. On the other hand, I don't have the courage to be alone.<br />
<br />
I also have a wife and family and because of my molecular makeup I often feel I'm drowning as well. I can't say I don't love them, and yet sometimes I just want to be alone. Go out for a drive, and never come back. Is that honesty, or does someone just need to kick me in the *** and tell me to grow up? It's probably just the ravings of a selfish bastard who wants to have it both ways.<br />
<br />
Blessings as you make your way along. I have no magic answers, but can only tell you you're not alone.

I appreciate what you wrote to me. It's important to know that others feel the makes me feel less alone. I love my family to death and would never leave them for any reason in the world...even if it meant forgetting who I am. But I can't help feeling trapped, with no way out sometimes. I feel I missed out on something and I don't know what it is...

Still wishing there was a reset button, but alas...

Yes. I don't believe those people who say they have no regrets in life...

do you enjoy being lonely hun ?

just like anybody, i believe, being alone and loneliness are different. I love being alone, having my space and time to do whatever i want and however i want it. Unfortunately this rarely happens and I have to bend to other ppl's timetables. This is what makes me lonely. I know it's kind of screwed up...but that's the way it is.

are you saying that you are lonely hun ?

I think so....

Sometimes you just have to make the best of a situation until you can change it. I obviously don't know your situation but sometimes things do change so don't give up on your dream.

Oh my God, do I relate to you! It's an odd paradox to be a mother or a father. I married my high school sweetheart before I had been with any other women, so I've had tremendous yearnings and conflicted feelings. I'm Dad to 2 grown children and 1 ten year old. I've never cheated, but she just did, we're seperated. I'm going to move on from this now, and I will not see my loyalty as a waste because it was an investment in my family. I've had depression through the marriage at various points and it was probably a result of my conflicted brain. It's never too late to reinvent yourself. But every change in life comes at a price. You can fulfill your soul and keep the hurt to your loved ones to a minimum if you do it right. What I am doing is losing weight, paying more attention to my grooming, exercising, and getting good medical help for depression. You can overcome this time in your life and still be Mom. But you can't be his Sweetie anymore to make the change. He is hurting inside to see your hurt, so in a way, you will give him freedom from this pain also. Let me know how you're doing, okay?

That was so very sweet of you to take your time to comment on my story. Things have actually been getting worse as I have a huge crush on someone who isn't even an adult yet. I feel SO bad about it. Trying to ignore it and keep being the good wife and mom and all, but it's so stressing. I just hope it will pass soon...thanks again! xoxo

I can't believe how similar our stories are! I'm obsessed with a younger woman at work. But thank God she's 30 and not 17 or 18. I'm quite a bit older than her, but I can see her interest in me, although it's guarded. I would say with your young crush, go for it, you only live once! Be careful you don't get in trouble with his parents or whatever. Just keep it secret and it'll add to the thrill of it all. If you're both willing, then what's the harm?

hmmm...i don't have any wonderful words of wisdom, as i am in the 'dulldrums' of my life right now too. Sometimes it's just comforting to know you are indeed not alone!

Sometimes I think that we tell ourselves the things we need to so that we can try to forget that we're in a cage of our own making. <br />
<br />
We try to be happy, shiny, contributing members of society whilst secretly struggling to keep ourselves from stalling and going into a tail-spin that we can't pull out of. It feels a little bipolar sometimes.<br />
<br />
If you haven't already, I highly recommend watching "The Bridges of Madison Country". It's an amazing story, and Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep do it so much justice!<br />
<br />
Also... if you're a reader... you might really appreciate the short stories in the book "Dislocations" by Janette Turner Hospital:<br />
<br />

Thankyou! the movie I have watched and absolutely loved it. I will certainly look up the book!

I've been there too sweetheart... I took the escape pod out of the family and often wonder if I did the right thing.... life is full of regret, but all we can do is look forward.<br />
<br />
find yourself again... your center.. your peace...<br />
<br />
~ in my prayers ~

It is only good people who suck it up and take responsibility for those decisions that we make early on in life.....and then are left to dream of how it could have been. People not so good, would run away and think only of themselves. One day it will all pay off Ms hummingowl.

Thankyou, from my heart

Hi Cris, I have felt the same way for years. Been living away from my home state for all of my adult life. Watching my family die one by one till the only ones left are a few. My kids moved out and to different places far away. Now its me and him. He retired five years ago. Believe me, its like the song "Is that all there is" inside me. I work as a sub teacher and enjoy the kids. Yet part of me feels like Im not living the life period. The dang weight started comin on when my last son moved away. So I joined Tops. Fifteen down and ten to go. I will make it. :) First hurdle. Next, buy a new wardrobe and do some inventory on what I want out of this second chapter. Im 58 now. There is going to be a second chapter for sure. I think, you will figure it out.

Thanks. You will make it, and you will be successful. Let's hold on to the hope that we will all figure it out somehow...

Thanks loop...xoxo<br />
<br />

Life is a journey and you have to take things one step at a time. Feeling lost about this time in your life is common, I was there once. Unhappy, overweight, and lost. I did find EP and it allowed me to realize i was not alone. I took action on the things I could ( losing weight ) and let some other things sit and simmer. After a while when I felt I had a better persepctive I took some action. It's better to find yourself, then go follow your dream because if you do it the other way you can bet more lost easily.