They Are All "them" And I Am Just "me", Alone

I am Chinese, born and raise in China til 14 i came to USA.  i always have this feeling that i dont belong here and i dont know why am i here. I can't find people to talk to. i dont even talk to my family, not my siblings, only one or two friend i speak openly. some people say I'm too shy, but dont feel like i'm too shy. I just dont belong with everybody. I dont belong in USA. i dont like the way this society works. I dont like just because I am 24 and an adult that i have to joke about sexuality and drink like crazy or even pretend that you are like that. I dont like the idea that you have to be cool and you have to talk about stupid joke which seems funny to everybody. but, at the same time i want people to think im cool that i am fun to be with. weird isn't it?

even I am here for so long i still can't speak english well and i feel like people will laugh at me because I'm so stupid, i cant even speak right. I also feel like I'm so slow because sometimes i know what to say but i couldnt remember the word. now, I dont want to talk to people because i dont know what to say to them. some time i get very depress about my inability to communicate with people. Idk. I just feel like I'm different from everybody and they are all "them" and I am just "me". I like art, like to draw and design, i like to travel. i feel like i should be a very interesting people instead of being plain. all my life, i just wish i can go to a different place, then when i get to the place i didnt like it then i just spending rest of time wish to go to next place. I just dont fit in anywhere. I like to talk about life and have a lot question about life even philosopher can't answer. but people didnt like it because "it's boring." I have been told by my best friend that I am very negative sometimes, i complain too much. I think i pretty much blame everything on myself, if things dont go well with someone, i think it's my fault. I feel like Im just so awkward that people just dont know how to approach me. people like other who speak like she care and act like she is fun. and i feel like I am this boring plain girl who nobody likes. I just dont want to pretend. people are just so tricky.

gafemon gafemon
22-25, F
5 Responses Feb 20, 2010

Hi gafemon<br />
Interesting and moving. Hard to change societies at 14! Still lots of opportunities for you bridging 2 cultures. Just find a niche between the 2 maybe.<br />
Most people do not like thinking or talking about Philosophy. So find people who do. ep is a good place to start for sure. Your English is better than 99.99% of American's Chinese by the way! Find people who appreciate you - there will be many for sure! You just have to look not expect everyone to have sense.<br />
bestw ishes<br />
:)

I speak English and I can't even communicate well with people. I also have no interests in drinking, partying etc.. It makes things a little tougher, but I'm sure there are other people around that have more similar interests. Although since I'm not much on having friends or socializing I couldn't say for sure, since even with people who's main focus isn't drinking, I still don't connect with them.<br />
<br />
I would say things are a lot easier if you don't actually care about being cool, but I know some people can't help it. From the people I've come across in my life that want that to happen, they have always found a group of people they somewhat relate to and seem to have some sort of fun along the way. I guess it just takes time if that's something your interested in.<br />
<br />
By the way from an English standpoint, people who speak plain English feel it's somewhat dull and boring compared to someone who can speak a different language. People are very curious about people that do things differently. There are a few I suppose that would make fun of someone who speaks differently, but for the most part I've only seen curiosity and sincere interest.

girl! you remind me of myself. trust me i used to think exactly like this...exactly. the solution to all your problem is to talk to people..talk to them about themselves...people like to talk about themselves. this makes them feel good.<br />
<br />
i didnt have any friend and i couldn't participate in any conversation. then i took it as a challenge. initially people would laugh at me because i wasn't "cool" enough. Now everything is ok. now people who understand me and know me, they like me and they want me to talk to them. Its all because i tried to communicate. thats the best thing.<br />
<br />
my English is also not good and at times it becomes a hurdle but there comes a point where language becomes secondary. <br />
u can talk to me whenever u feel like to discuss your problem :)

I agree with tdh1, you are bright, intelligent, capable and you know what you do not want to do and have some interests and passions you want to pursue. I say don't do what you do not want to do. Beng cool was invented by people who did what they were passionate about, most of them were artists and poets. Cool is a bit watered down now, but authentic cool is still the venue and description of someone in pursuit of a dream and willing to focus on how good it is to be doing just that -- in spite of all the rabble around.<br />
On the other point, have you any contacts in China? Do you have any contacts with people in America who are also from China and maintain Chinese values and customs. You seem most heartbroken over being able to value your surounding the way you were told to do so when you were young and in China. Speaking your language will help your thoughts flow like rivers and waterfalls. Being able to partake in customs and giving people and places proper respect is also something you seem to crave. It is disrespectful what we allow in america with regard to making fun of others and dragging all humor to the level of sexual context.<br />
Friends are good to have. While you are here it is best for you to choose those who you can speak with openly about the customs you miss, someone who is willing to listen to you speak in your first language. <br />
Hold on to you, it is all you have. Appreciate yourself, guard yourself, and find the right people to be cool with, do not hang with people who do not think you are cool or who you think do not have the basic respect for the world you want to show for the world.<br />
Peace

your story makes me think of a song by anrtist pink, it's called stupid girl and she is talking about ho maybe if she acts like those "stupid"girls maybe folks will like you,i say be your self if they can't like you for you then they wont be very good friends....and consider me a friend welcome and i hoppe you enjoy the site.....