I'm Just Waiting To Wake Up

It's not that I don't belong here at this place I am or these people I'm with. It's beyond that. I fee like I don't belong here... in this life. Not just a suicidal thought process, but I just feel like I woke up in the wrong universe, with the wrong rules and laws of physics and society in place. I used to fall asleep and wish I could wake up and be where I belong. It's kind of odd to explain, but everything seems so wrong. Some people say that we can only experience pleasure because we know pain and happiness because we know sadness, but I don't know why it has to be that way. Why does anything have to be bad? There's a funny saying: "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." Well, what if the problem is not temporary... life is just filled with so much sad and corruption that it is not worth continuing? I won't kill myself because I know that I will die one day anyways so I might as well figure out as much as I can while I am here and do as much good as possible to make things better for the generations that will continue and are damned to live in this beautiful existence of pain and sorrow. Life is not bad. Life is not good. We somehow exist in between heaven and hell. To say all is evil and horrible is to ignore the beauty all around us and in humanity. To say all is good is to ignore the terrible pains and rapes that exist in millions of lives daily. I just wish I could find an answer. I've looked into christianity (which I see as incredibly flawed but still better than the alternatives) and other religions, but nothing even comes close to having what would be true, I even think our theories of macro-evolution are completely absurd. There has to be an answer... a reality that is good. Good without bad. Good= as it ought to be, normal. I want to wake in sunshine

cybolosis cybolosis
22-25, M
8 Responses Apr 10, 2010

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You are on the brink of an important lesson: the polarizing words, "good" and "bad", are of very little help to us. The moment we allow ourself to experience life without needing to put them all into boxes of black and white, this is when we finally start to see nuances in life. Getting used to his physical world takes a bit of love and effort, and it seems like you are finding great and important strategies for that. I can relate. I also felt that the pains of the world were mine, and that I had some responsibility. But when I learned how to take full responsibility for my own happiness I started being a resource to my surroundings and really "making a difference", in the ways that I do best, while supporting and being there for others who want to do the same. Thanks for sharing this. In the darkness there is strength of an incredibly everlasting kind. No need to fear it, rather seek it and understand it, as it is your deeper self, which have all answers.

I'm glad you feel like you have some answers and understanding of life; I hope they're right.

Facing a dark time in my life, I impatiently waited for death to take me into the next life. I'm only eighteen, but I am also highly imaginative. I abused my religion as a way to fantasize about Heaven, longing for the day I will be able to freely traverse in world of endless possibilities. I feel in love with characters in books, I felt more connected to worlds created in movies than this one. I could not standing before I meet them or go to those lovely worlds in my Heaven. <br />
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However, after that year passed - I grew a passion for art that was insatiable. Instead of thinking of wonderful places I'd visit when I'd finally died, I started drawing them. I couldn't stop, and the more intense I became with growing as an artist, the more connected I became with reality. My head still floats up in the clouds often, however I do not wish to leave this place anymore. I feel as though people who drift in this world, waiting for death, merely lack love. The cure to feeling alienated is to involve yourself in anything, a relationship with friends, learning a skill or a sport, becoming part of a group, anything. You can still have a fantastical imagination, but find a way to ground yourself before you fly away.

I'm just waiting to wake up...<br />
I'm just waiting to find the answers...<br />
I'm just waiting for this world to make sense...<br />
I'm just waiting to find out who I REALLY am...<br />
waiting, waiting, waiting... the clock is ticking, my time is slipping away as i sit here day by day waiting on the world to change, waiting on me to change.<br />
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I wonder if the world is waiting on us to wake up?<br />
Maybe its waiting for us to get up, get out of bed, splash some water on our faces, and open our eyes.<br />
Perhaps the world around us DOESN'T make sense. Think about it, most people will live any lifestyle that they are told is "normal". Driven by an illusion that they will never reach, they work their lives away chasing that beautiful rainbow rainbow called success. They race each other to a finish line that, unbeknown to them, might be much closer than they imagined. Death.<br />
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I'm done trying to discover the secrets of life, because I've discovered the one ultimate secret of the universe: there are no secrets to life, no secret "true path" to follow, no way to make sense of this race, and certainly no way to win it. See, that's why no one has "the answers"; because there are none!<br />
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That being said, I now have the freedom to stop waiting, stop searching, and stop trying to find the right path. And once I did that; once I accepted reality at face value while still living outside of it, I was free to take a nice look around and decide what I wanted to change.<br />
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Nothing will change, unless WE change it.<br />
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My dream is to connect with other outsiders like myself and make a difference in the world that will never be forgotten. Its far from impossible, all it takes is the willingness of a group of people to do it.

I think we are on the same page-
-How do you suggest we make a difference?
-I think that a group of people can make a difference? But what do you mean by a "difference"? From what you are saying, I think that we might be able to help each other- please email concerning your thoughts on these things. For some time I've been contemplating what type of group to start and then join with others that want to make the world a better place. There are many things that we can do, but what will really make a difference to make things right?

I agree, I think we are on the same page here. :) I sent a msg to your account.

I am 17 years old. All my life I've dealt with pain and loneliness. When i was 14 i had my first true relationship, I loved her with all my heart. But then i started losing those feelings for her, I never quiet understood why. I wanted to live the rest of my life with her and have kids together. But one day i told her how i felt, then we broke up. After that i've been doing nothing but stayed home, and smoke weed to ease the pain. Every morning i wake up hoping something new would come. My mom passed away when i was 2, and my dad left me since he thought he couldn't take care of his kids. Now he lives with another woman who has 4 kids and 3 of his. Left alone I stopped caring about humanity and its awful ways. But something kept holding me back. I was never a bad person. I always hated those who abuse or mistreat others. I get migraines everyday just thinking out this world. I want to have a kid to know what it feels like to actually have a meaning to stay here, but its also a risk to leave him one day in this cruel world...

I know what you mean. My mom passed away when I was six. Your words help me know that others feel the same way that I do- thank you. Having kids is such a difficult decision- how can i bring a life into this world with so much misery and pain?

"how can i bring a life into this world with so much misery and pain?" I've heard this stated by many people. But don't you think people who felt this way could actually improve this world by having kids? If you leave it to the others who don't see how bad things are to populate our world, it's only going to get worse. What do you think?

this statement changed my point of view; thank you

yesss i completly understand...<br />
i often wonder the hell is this placecalled earth??? <br />
Try to live life like its your llast day :/ does tht mke since...it will get a lil mre interesting and alot more exciting

i don't see how that possible? of i were to live like it was my last day i would write a will and funeral note, tell everyone i know that i am about to die and talk to them for a long time- that would basically take all day- what would i do the next day
when i wake up?

Wow, I can completely sympathize with the entire concept of observing yet regardless of attempts not feeling as though you belong, be it with hundreds of friends and acquaintances or stowed away in solitude to try and find peace within. <br />
Approaching life with a bitter sweet attitude, which at most felt like a vacancy that was eternally unfulfilled... the attempt to for fill that grand canyon of human equality ..the inability to conform to the minute physically defined existence ... <br />
With the endless gratitude and generosity thus lacking from thus world.... <br />
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There`s a path to something........where is is and where will it lead?

do you think it's strange that I am super excited about death? not that i am obsessed with it- i just am really curious what will happen and am really excited about new places and and experiences!

Its interesting that you mentioned wanting to wake up to another existence- wanting to be where you belong. I have this experience, it seems, every time I wake up. Its not so much a feeling of emptiness but a feeling of longing, like there is some thing or some where you have to be. I do believe it is important to experience the simple beauty of this life even if it doesnt seem to answer all the questions. Even in this limbo, there still are pure truths.

I like your picture! do you want to help me fix everything? where should we start :-)