If I could describe my life in one sentence, it would be this: I don’t matter.

Not to anyone. There are times that I’m tempted to do an experiment; cease my attempts to reach out to the people who call themselves my friends, cut off social media and wait for someone to come looking. But I know they won’t, and the longer I wait, the more it would hurt me. I’m already suicidal, and have been since I was a child, so I can’t court such pain. I have a small child who depends on me. I love him, but every day I believe that he could fare so much better if his blasted parents weren’t around. His father’s abusive, and I’m sick and useless.

I grew up knowing my mother didn’t want to have me. After my parents split, my father was an absentee parent. I endured bullying and emotional abuse all through school from my peers, and my mother was severely abusive at home. I’ve had many acquaintances, but I have no true friends anymore. I’m just someone who posts amusing statuses on Facebook, and nothing more. Even the person who is supposed to be my best friend doesn’t care to call. But when her ex boyfriend died and she realized how much she didn’t value him, I was there in my unstable living situation using my already meager food stamps to cook her dinner and let her cry on my shoulder.

No one cares if I cry. To most people, I’m just a drama queen, because my problems haven’t gone away. But I know this: if my house were to burn down tomorrow, I’d just be in a homeless shelter again. I’ve already dealt with that once. Escaping my abusive husband, and then my mother. Each time I tried to leave my husband, mom would step in…but only for the praise she got from others. Behind closed doors, I was just a target for her and her husband. She even let that man molest me when I was younger, and she’s made me shut up about it. My family shames me over it.

I’m so sorry my life’s not perfect, but to know that my so-called family and friends just see me as a drama queen hurts. These people see hardship as a lack of money. I see hardship as a lack of love. Just about every day I think about dying; the moment when I know my next breath will be my last will be so sweet…I’m tired.

I’m the single mother of a disabled child. I’m disabled myself. I’ve been looked down upon for my poverty. I feel totally ignored, and am afraid to really break down and expose my feelings to those around me. They are already wary of my “drama”. My depression is just a nuisance to them.

I had a stroke and no one called or came to visit. With the exception of a few hours that my mom showed up, and her sister telling me my work ethic was bad, as I lay in intensive care. Mind you, I had my stroke at work. Finally wore down after working two jobs and trying to attend school full time online. Trying to keep up with the Jonses, thinking that my life would be so much better once I had a flashy degree and money like everyone else in my so-called circle.

I love my son, but I really wish I could just give him to a nice, fairly financially stable married couple who would give him the life I cannot. Trying to oversee his care alone is frustrating, at best.

Today is just a really hard day. The chronic pain is getting to me, the fact that my phone doesn’t ring is getting to me....I’ve tried my best to do for others and be there for others. I just paid for groceries for one person I used to be in the shelter with…helped another with her rent. Three more are on a cell phone plan that I pay for…I bought the phones and got the plan so they’d have phones to call potential employers with. Now that they have jobs and their own places, I might as well not exist.

I don’t matter. To anyone. And if my son weren’t here, I swear I’d just kill myself. I’m tired of the struggle. Once I asked my mother what she would do if I died…she said she’d just go on with her life. I don’t matter.

All I want is to be loved. I want a family of my own, and to be able to tend to that beautiful little world. But all people see when they look at me is drama, and they stay away. I don't want drama. Honestly, I think a lot of people mis-label legitimate problems as drama, because they're too busy being fortunate to care. I just want to be loved. Why is that so wrong?
StevensMommy StevensMommy
36-40, F
Sep 1, 2014