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Lost Soul

I am not a believer in the other world. I am not a believer in anything really unless I see it with my own eyes. But everything I use to believe has come into question. My parents are devout Catholics, they worship daily and they attend church more than a priest at times. I use to almost pity them for believing in God and my reasons were because of my unhappiness. We moved to a foreign country with a foreign language and the opportunities I had from my old home to make friends I did not have here. I was done with collge, no longer in school and it is almost like everyone in the town I live in is over the age of 65. We have been here for a year and I still feel out of place. But do you ever feel so alone that you start to raise questions in your mind that you have never bothered to ask yourself before? I have started to question a lot of things and have found that I am not liking the answers I have come up with. For starters I use to accept death as inevitable and had come to terms with it, but now I am starting to question what happens after? I am trying to calculate with my mind what happens. Depending on the circumstances of the death I have come to a somewhat scary thought for myself. If I know I am about to die, I will at least know it, but if I am asleep and I die, will I know I have died and be stuck in a dream forever?

I know that the brain is still active when you are asleep I mean in the sense that if you don't know that you have died, how are you suppose to transcend? I never believed in God however I always believed in heaven because it is hope that this life is not the only thing there is. And the reason I don't believe in God is because of life. It's very confusing to me because if God really existed, how come he lets so many suffer? How come he allows people who live in pain and misery to continue living until they must resort to their means of an escape? I have on days cursed God for not ending my suffering because I am lonely. I am unhappy. I feel like I am existing in this life, not living it and I feel like I have forgotten how to live. I feel no emotions at times and it scares me that I can do that. How do you make the pain go away to a wound that does not exist? If I were given the choice, I would choose never to have existed then life if this is all that life has in store for me; pain, misery and loneliness...
Barrenwasteland Barrenwasteland 18-21 1 Response Aug 19, 2010

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I know this response is almost 4 years late, but I know how you feel all too well, unfortunately. However, you must know that it does get better. Go out, take a trip, meet new people, try new things, do something that makes you scared and gets your heart pumping. Soon you'll start feeling things again. I wish you the best.