Love Lost In Death

Once upon a time ... this starts fairy tales, but my love story is a nightmare. It started amazingly. I fell in love with a boy right after I graduated high school. He promised the world and I believed everything he said. It was all so honest and sincere. I went off to college and things got bad. I found out some things about his past that were not only very bad, but put my in harms way. But, I loved him just the same. I found out about his illness that he had and I helped him through it all. We made plans and promises to one another. Then I found out about the lies that surrounded his life. There were nights of crying with no sleep. Worrying about what was happening 7 hours away. Not ever being able to really know the truth. Then I found out he cheated on me and got a 16 year old girl pregnant (he was 23 at the time). I was enraged. Then he married the girl. I was devastated. She took my place. She is where I was suppose to be. I didn't see him for two years. But, it didn't stop us from talking on the phone or sending letters to one another. It never stopped my love for him. Some how I went from the woman to be the "other" woman, seemingly overnight. Days after he had his second child with her we met up. He told me how he was planning on leaving her and coming to start a life with me. At this point, I didn't believe him. I never could after everything that I had been through. But, this was his chance to prove to me that he really did love me. If he could pull through with this promise, I could forgive him for everything. Two months later he died in a motorcycle accident. I was informed through a post on Facebook. I wasn't able to attend the funeral. That was the day that my life ended. I was so torn up inside. I was full of hate, rage, anger, jealousy; just to name a few. How could he leave me. How could he break his promise to me. Every time I am back in town I visit his grave site, and every time I break down and cry. He made me jaded. Not just from the terrible relationship that we had, but because he left me. The worst part of death is the finality of it all. He stole me of my innocence, in every sense. And, since then I feel like I have lost myself. I use to be a self-reliant, don't-care-what-you-think kind of girl. Now I am a timid, lost woman that can't seem to climb out of the rut that my life has settled into. I just want me back. Not the me that everyone sees. The one that everyone thinks they know, because she is a lie. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again.
ChelCRae ChelCRae
Dec 22, 2011