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I Lost Myself In My Own Feelings Of Sadness And Fear.

The day that my mom died out of cancer, i felt peace. For a while, for a second, for a thought that everything has ended, it brought me peace. I then, helped my father in preparing her burial, even though I felt like i helped less. Long story short, today is the 1st day of August, approximately 60 days after she went away. Yet, i haven't find any single peace within me. I felt happy when i am around many people but it seems like everything could trigger my memories with her.

I felt so bored, for crying most of the times for the same reason. I felt that since she went away, even till today. I am sick of pretending smiles, and waking up to pretend that I am the person I am not. Instead, I am acting as the person people expect me to be (happy and cheerful), which is the same like what i used to be. I am tired of faking smiles, telling people I'm okay when I'm not. It's sad, pathetic, to fear of being the one person I really am.

Please do help me... I have no idea how to end this fear of crying. How to end this fear of disappointing more people, when they discover i was not who i am now.

Sorry if i confuse you, but, this confuse myself also.
Atiara Atiara 16-17, F Jul 31, 2012

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