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I've Lost Myself An Everything Else

I'm only 21 and I've lost everything I honestly don't know who I am I used to be so out going and so talkative but now I hate everyone.. I'm bitter towards strangers and I pushed all of my friends away... And I'm always trying to push my boyfriend away to leave me.. I mean there was a turnin point to where this all began... My bestfriend stabbed me in the back and she was the last friend I had she was like a sister to me.. I won't get into any detail but of course after what she did I lost all trust in people and my relationship now my boyfriend had done things to lose my trust and I became such a low self esteem person and so overly jealous I became such an ugly person inside because of the two important people to me hurt me and now I feel like I can never come back up and it's effecting any relationship with anyone I talk to.. It's like I don't want to socialize any more but I've been closed off to people that I've lost who I am.... I don't know what to do and I only feel I'm getting worse.
Melissacp Melissacp 18-21, F 2 Responses Nov 20, 2012

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i can understand your position. I have many of the same issues where i am at. I still try to go out and try to socialize. Going out keeps me sane. Yeah i know when i go out I'm gonna be disappoint by many of the people i will have to interact with. but there something that socialization that keep you human , sane. Maybe just getting anger lets you subconscious know that your working through it, your trying and i think in that you can keep apart of your safe, happy, even if its only for a moment. That's what life is, just a succession of moments and we have to try to find that lil good no matter if its buried under tons of crappy people and situation you do even want to be involved with. At least that how i see it and how i get through my life. Its not a picnic but i know where to find the pudding and the cake when i need some if you know what i mean.

It is hard to trust people when those you trust stab you in the back and don't support you. But not everyone will do that. It's hard to put yourself out there. Part of the issue is that you aren't able to reconcile within yourself that there are good people out there, and it's ok to trust people. If you want to be with your boyfriend, you need to pinpoint what is the reason you are trying to push him away. I think venting on here will be a step in the right direction for you :)