Hate My Life At the Moment
So weird really. I was always the strong one in our relationship and now I feel like I'm just crying for attention or something. At my age you would think you would be past feeling like this.
My wife and I have been married for 15 years. It's my second marriage. We have a beautiful 6-year old daughter.
We have lived all around USA due to my work that I used to do. About 4 years ago we decided to move to Sweden so our daughter could experience that as well and learn Swedish as both me an my wife are from Sweden. My wife has however lived in the states since she was 6 years old and I have been here since '96. Before then I had lived in Australia since the 70's.
After four years in Sweden my wife wanted to move back to Midwest USA again as she missed her family that lived here. She does also have some family in Sweden but in a small town and it was hard for her to get work so she got bored and didn't feel like she had a a life. So this summer we moved back here, to Midwest USA, and I hate it.
It's a horrible feeling to be so torn. Obviously I want to be with my wife and daughter, but I hate living here. I have no friends here and in all honesty I'm not sure I want any. Everyone I meet seem to be religious freaks that need their pretend friend God and I can't deal with that. I can't stand that my daughter needs to have god shoved down her throat all the time at the age of six and that she has to pledge legion to the USA when she doesn't even understand what it means. That's how Hitler got a whole nation behind him in the '30's by making them pledge legions to Germany in school. It's sick and wrong. Kids will make up their own minds when they are ready.
My wife spends more time with her friends than with her family since we came back. I understand that because she took five, almost six, years out of her life to stay at home with our daughter. However, she doesn't include me at all in that part of her life and we have always been so open with each other and our friends have always been a huge part of us, hers or mine, they have always ended up somehow intermixed. But now, I have no idea about any of them other than that some of them are pot heads and they hang out until all hours of the morning when they go out. Usually the sun has already started to come up by the time I hear there garage door open and she comes home. Of course, she took the worst job I could imagine for her and she works until 10-11 at night so going out means very late, but still.
Even on her days off we can have a whole lot of fun, and then about 11 or midnight all of a sudden she'll get a text message and decided she's going to go out with her friends. She says she loves me more than anything but is finally enjoying having friends again. But I can't stop feeling something is wrong. I get so paranoid at times that I check her cell phone and I can tell that she has deleted text messages and I then get even more paranoid wondering why she needed to do that.
I haven't found any work yet and I guess that's part of the problem as well, but I'm not sure I haven't lost her as well.
We made a really good living while in Sweden and on top of that my father passed away and I inherited some money. When we came back to the states we put all our savings and that inheritance into a house, so we own the house outright. It's a nice feeling and all, however I feel cheated. I feel all MY money has been stolen from me in a way. Of course it's not all my money, I understand that, but I can't do a damn thing, I can't leave her because I couldn't take care of our daughter and I couldn't dream of not being a part of my daughters life every single day.
All this is leaving me feeling so depressed most of the time, I sleep, eat and cry. When my wife has a day off I keep up a good attitude because I don't want to ruin her day as well as mine. I don't want to loose her either due to my moods and insistent jealousy. But every now and then I just can't keep it in and I loose it. It feels like she never really tells me she loves me, it may be all in my mind, but it feels like I always have to try to say it first and then she'll respond that she loves me too.
Ok, I'm starting to rant so I'm going to know it off.