There and Gone ...

I 'm relatively new to EP, and although I've joined many experience groups, spent many an hour reading story after story, and even created a group of my own ... I've never written my own story, or talked about my own experiences.  Not because I didn't want to, but because, I just couldn't.  It was as if the sheer experience of experiencing everything I have experienced, (say that five times fast), up to this point in my life just put me on automatic shutdown.  And what's really strange about that, is the fact that although I felt acutely devoid of emotion, I was oddly comfortable with this state of "being".  I was okay to simply "exist" this way, because somehow, if nothing else, I knew I was safe.  Safe from the want, safe from the need, safe from the desire for another person.  Though I wasn't at all happy or comfortable with my current living or financial situation, (and I'm still not), for once in my entire life, I was finally OK with just being with myself.  I didn't NEED to have a man to complete me.  I still don't.  But, you see, that's just thing ....  I THINK, I've FINALLY become the person I truly need to be in order to both attract THE RIGHT GUY, AND to recognize it when it happens.  And, normally, that would be a really great thing.  Like FINALLY reaching your destination at the end of a seemingly endless journey.  And, my Mother DID always say ... "When you're not looking, THAT'S when it will happen."  Unfortunately, she ALSO used to always say that, "Timing is everything."  And, well, folks ... maybe it's because I don't wear a watch, but timing has never been my strong suit, and I think that's where we have our dilemma.

You see, a short time after coming here and reading all your wonderful stories ...  I finally grew a spine and ended a 10 year relationship that hadn't been what I wanted, what I needed or what I deserved for AT LEAST the last five.  Now, at first, it wasn't my intention to end the relationship, but rather, just to "wake him up".  I'd never kicked him out in all the years we'd been together, and so I thought that if I actually took it that far just once, he'd realize how miserable I really was, and it would make him think and want to straighten things out once and for all.  Yeah, well ... I'll spare you the details, but ...  let's just suffice it to say that, that's what I get for thinking ... And that's when I met HIM ...

I had been frequenting a support group for people in sexless marriages, similar to the one here ... for a few months before the break up ... And he stood out to me right from the beginning, but alas ... he was still married, so, if I had any "romantic" thoughts at all, I quickly suppressed them.  Nonetheless, I did send him a friend request, because, well, I thought at the very least, we could help one another.  But, then we started talking ... and it was just so ... different from what I expected.

It was if I'd known this man my entire life ... just maybe not this one.  I felt so at ease with him ... So ... safe.  Like it was alright to let him in, because he wouldn't hurt me ... because he had been searching for me too ... Which is COMPLETELY irrational, not to mention STUPID, yes, I KNOW, because not only is he still married, but, also no where near ready to leave her, and I knew that too, but ... I couldn't deny what was happening ...

It was like I literally manifested him myself.  Like I conjured him straight out of my imagination ... my dreams ... Everything he says, everything he thinks, everything he IS .... No other man has ever been ... except for the one in my "dreams".  We think the same, we feel the same ... I mean, we literally have so much in common, it's just unfathomable.  So, because my Mother also used to say ... "If it seems too good to be true, it probably IS."  Everyday, I tried to rebuild the wall that he was so effortlessly tearing down, and everyday, he still got through.  So, I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the line, I finally realized he wasn't tearing that wall down at all... HE WAS SIMPLY WALKING RIGHT THROUGH IT ... everyday ... over and over again!  What's messed up about that, is that he wasn't even trying to.

And then it happened ... I did something to drive him away ... It doesn't matter what it was ... What's important, is that I know what it was ... And it wasn't intentional, but that doesn't matter either.  The fact is, that he suddenly had to "go away" and now he's gone.  He left without so much as saying "goodbye" to me, and I guess that was my first clue.  But, I guess now that I've had a couple days to think about it, I realize that I was likely nothing more than a pass time for him.  A fun escape from his own misery.  And that's ok ... I hadn't intended to be anything more than that anyway.

But the sad thing in all of this, is that if we had met at a time when we were BOTH single ... I think we really could've been happy together.  And not just "happy" but the kind of happy that most people only dream about.  I KNOW that somewhere deep down ... in a place I thought I'd lost long ago ...  So, what am I trying to accomplish by writing this ...  Nothing.  I'm simply processing the fact that for the first time in YEARS, I actually FEEL enough to be able to write.  Maybe too, I'm trying to leave something behind ... something to mark the experience in the event that I too shall pass, as everyday that possibility creeps ever closer to reality.  Just another one of those things that I seem to have no control over.

Now, some of you may be thinking me silly for even considering a relationship with this man, or any other, considering I just ended a 10 year relationship, and he has yet to end his ... There's the whole rebound thing ... and all the other reasons of practicality.  And to that I say ... I hear you, and normally, I'd be the first to agree.  And, I think HE would agree as well.  But the reality of the situation is this:  My relationship was over five years ago.  If I didn't know that, and even if I didn't FEEL that when I kicked him out ... I know it now, believe me.  My only regret, is that I didn't kick him out five years ago.  And, unless he's completely lying to me ... his relationship has been over for at LEAST that long as well.  He just isn't ready to let go, and that's totally his choice.  I can only speak for me, and so that's what I'll do.

Meeting this man, and getting to know him as I have, has taught me that men like that really DO exist in the real world, and therefore, even though I may have to WAIT to find and be with one ... I DO NOT have to SETTLE for less.  I DESERVE to be as happy as I want to be, and IF I settle for less, then only I am to blame for my unhappiness.  Consequently, IF I get the chance to be with someone who CAN make me happy and WANTS to make me happy, I'm going to take it ...  WHY?  Because life REALLY is TOO SHORT to spend it BEING ANY LESS HAPPY than you KNOW you SHOULD BE or COULD be, if you can possibly help it at all.  And the right one may take half a lifetime to find, but I believe it's worth the wait.  I believe that with my whole heart, and so this is where I'm at.

I really do think I may have just lost the best thing I never had ... Do I really think it ever would've been that "FAIRY TALE"?  I  think it could've been.   And I miss him more than I'd like to admit.   I'm glad that I met him.  I'm thankful for what he gave me, and I really hope that someday soon, he finds "the one" that he's been waiting for ... the one that gives him the courage to say ... "I deserve to be as happy as I want to be, and I will be, starting today."

If I hadn't have screwed up, maybe that someone could've been me, but, as long as finds that happiness ... I'll be happy for him.