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I Lost My Virginity to My Mothers Boyfriend

My parents divorced when I was 2, and after that lived with my mother after a bitter custody dispute. When I was 8 years of age I went to live with my Dad, as I always missd him terribly, I hated my younger brother, and my mother was leaving my stepdad and moving interstate with a new boyfriend, and legally was not allowed to take me out of the state.

I soon regretted this decision, as my Dad and stepmum were extremely strict, their marriage was in serious trouble, and there was a lot of fighting and instability. I was basically ignored for the most part, or blamed for their marriage problems, which only escalated over the years to constant verbal and physical abuse and the feeling of being unwanted, unloved and a failure.

At 15 I ran away to my mothers. At first things were good, but she seemed to be going through a mid-life crisis stage, and once again, I was ignored and used for babysitting so that she could go out nightclubbing and bringing strange men home, where I could hear everything that was going on.

She put me down a lot, as my father had, making nasty comments about my weight (which was a size 12!) and the way I looked and made me feel, as my father had, that no man would ever want me, and I would never have someone who loved me.

I was a lonely teenager, estranged from both parents and most of my family. I went to a girls school and had never been shown any interest from any boy. I desperately yearned for a father figure and male company.

One night she brought home a man. I awoke to find him half dressed in the lounge room drinking burbon at 10am. I was terrified of him, he was about 6'6, had tatoos all over his face and an agressive demenour. I guessed he was a jail bird. I was right.

He basically started living with us, except when he would go missing for a few days and turn up drunk, banging on my bedroom window to let him in.

Despite this, when he was around, Mum was nicer to me and he would actually take the time to talk to me, and I could talk to him about things I couldn't my parents (I was drinking heavily and smoking a lot of pot, so we had this in common).

I began to develop a strong affection for him, because he was the only one who gave me the time of day, and was a man. I was completely obsessed with him and he showed interest in me too, when my mother wasnt around.

One night, my Mum was out and he showed up drunk, knocking on my window to come in. I let him in and he decided it was an opportune time to take advantage of me I guess. But I didn't stop it. I was terrified, but also yearning for love and attention. I also hated my mother and the way she made me feel about myself, so I didn't feel guilty. I felt she deserved it. Not only could I get a man - I could get hers. This is how I lost my virginity. It was also my first kiss.

 

I'm 25 now, and they parted ways a few weeks later. My my mother and I have long since buried the hachet. She wasn't a perfect mother, but she's only human, and has her own crosses to bare. I adore her, and have never forgiven myself for what I did, the guilt eats me up inside, but I could never tell her what I did all those years ago.

 

 

Moana Moana 22-25, F 3 Responses Jun 27, 2008

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So much of this is similar to what happened to me. I'm so sorry another person had to go through this.

Forgive yourself for what you did. You were not in a good place in life at the time, and being in that place can lead you to do things you may not have done otherwise. Don't keep punishing yourself over your past circumstances, and what ended up happening. You had a lot on your plate that a girl your age should not have had to deal with. You and your mom buried the hatchet from your relationship, it's time you let go, and forgive yourself for this as well.

Hello Moana,

You know, we make a big deal of our sexuality and the experiences we have in that line, because we are brought up to think that way... But our sexuality is a natural part of our being human - as is our need to feel loved and appreciated; its not the end of the world when experiences such as yours come our way, unless we THINK it is!



Maybe it was a mistake... but all experiences have something useful to take out of them, and you learn something... You had some good reasons for doing what you did; do not blame yourself, do not beat yourself up about it!



What I see as your most important thing to do, is to rid yourself of the sense of guilt that you are feeling; that IS hard on both your body's health and your psyche. Put it as "an experience" - that in the circumstances was likely to happen - and resume your life fully paying attention to being HERE, Now - the only place where you can truly live! Who You Really Are - your eternal, Essential Self - is above all this sh*t; it won't harm the Real You.



Best wishes,

Waiwera