My Dreadful Painful Life

I am a 41yr old woman who recently moved to Sydney with the promise of a f/t job, my work paid for me to move here, and my dog and scooter fom Adelaide.
I was totally thrilled, things FINALLY looking great. Then, my police leance was taking ages to go thru, I've never been arrested, never lived in NSW before so what's the bloody hold up! I was told...it takes awhile due to diligence. Hmm, this didn't seem right with me so I made enquires 6 wks into my move. Found out work didn't put in my police cleance, the job fell thru...no work now for me and I am committed for 6 months into a lease. I have a smll dog so I can't go anywhere now.
I was born into a family of violent nutcases, my dad, a Greek ***** would beat us for nothing, basically each time we breathed we were beaten. My mother, a useless Greek weak woman allowed this to happen and even tho she was given ample opportunities to leave him...offered homes, money, jobs etc..the weak ***** stayed. I grew up beaten, bullied and abused, scared of my own shadow and became bulimic to cope with the stress. I'm still bulimic...been 22yrs now, 8 teeth missing, (thankfully from the back of my mouth), I have osteoporosis, suffered a broken vertabrae during a fall 12 yrs ago and suffer from chronic pain since. Been on fentyl patches and morphine for 12 yrs.
Pain will not cease.
My dad would watch us in the shower, stare at our chests as our breasts developed and made me feel dirty, ashamed and disgusting.
School was an escape. I had no intention of learning, I had to get away. My useless mother made it worse by dressing me in ugly clothes, as if sabotaging me was her goal in my miserable childhood. And she succeeded. I barely had loathes to wear, 7 things hung in my wardrobe from when I was 13-17. I started stealing clothes, money as I had no option.
I barely had male attention, even now, at 41, I look 10yrs younger, have butt length wavy soft hair, green eyes, smooth skin, no wrinkles, 5'5 tall, am a size 6-8 men but men look at me, but stay the hell away. Like they're afraid of me. I was on a tv show this yr in Australia but looked dreadful due to shocking lighting and got bagged by everyone. I've never had a serious relationship and last guy I went to bed with didn't touch me at all..not my breasts, hair, his "kisses" lacked passion...omg it was dreadful! Funny thing is, he was dreadfully unattractive and barely touched ME! That was 5 yrs ago.
I feel invisible at times, overlooked and ignored. It's as ifi have no purpose in this life. I have had a f/t job 12 yrs ago...never since :(
I cnt find work now in Sydney...I am going to kill myself. I have a **** load of morphine pills and fentyl patches, in 1 wk I'm out of this life. There's no point in living. I can't go thru life unloved. I m alone, lonely, isolated and ...totally cursed. I feel something stalking me, darkness nd I am so tired of surviving. I truly am.
Aloneandcursed Aloneandcursed
41-45
3 Responses May 16, 2012

Please look after yourself there is nothing any one can do to change your past, please talk to some one I am sending you love right and where ever you are I hope you get filled witha enery of love and support. YOu sound beautiful, just been a victim of crazy things and its not your fault. Channel this to some thing amazing easier said then down but crisis can be a blessing.

Pleaseeeeeeee tell me your ok...just pray,I will pray for you.

Don't feel alone. Your life is worth the effort. You are on this earth for a reason, even though you may not know it or see it. I have been through a lot of really tough things too in my life. And recently they have also gotten worse. Please hang in there. It will get better. This may sound or seem cliche, but have you ever tried to get help? From a counselor or someone of the sort? Please take care.