I Want To Give Up Completely.

2012 marked a year which made me a better person, but also ruined me in the end. It was the best and then the worst year of my life.

Before I met him I didn't bother with looking for someone or anything besides work, home and interest like music and movies. I merely existed. I didn't care about what anyone said or thought of me and my life consisted of going to work, going back home, sleeping and occasionally hitting the town with my 19 year old sister.

That's how I met him. At first I thought He was gonna take my number and never call, because girls like me might be attractive to guys but they never bother to reach out. They never bother to call. But he did. And he let me in straight away. He told me about his daughter and that he got rejected because of her before. I promised him right from the start, I'll be supportive, I'll listen and never ever judge him.

I eventually found out he had an ex-wife too and the knowledge of this proved to be a struggle for me a lot of days, but I stuck to his side and I tried to show him how much I cared for him. I loved him unconditionally He was my whole world, the sun I revolved around and he was my first love.

He had all these dreams of moving in together, getting married and having a boy named Sebastian. I shared these dreams with him. I hoped for these dreams to come true. He said I was his forever, and he was mine.

This all came crashing down the 26th of December. I woke up with a start realizing that my phone service needed to be reactivated quickly as he was coming over and I wouldn't be able to call/text him. I also knew he hated when I didn't respond, he got annoyed and I didn't want any reason for conflict. Since I don't have a car, I walked to the store, which is super close-by. In the past I promised him I wouldn't walk, and I did after that, but really I didn't wanna use him as transport if I could walk to a place just around the corner. After telling him that I walked that morning, since I didn't wanna hide anything or lie to him, he got furious and ended us.

He claimed breaking that promise was like giving up on him, like I was breaking up with him. I was crushed. Eventually he told me that maybe in the future God would open a door for me and he'd be standing there. I had hope.

He invited me to go out with him and my sister and friends on NYE. I let my sister into our circle since she doesn't really have friends, she was my best friend and even though is self-centered and rude, she sometimes was fun to be around with.

I hesitantly agreed since I took this as an opportunity to talk to him, which I did. He told me that I had to keep trying to win his trust, he just needs time. He's been hurt too many times before and this was just too much at the moment. He also stated that no other girls were going to catch his attention.
He gave me hope that I had a chance, and that night we spent the night together, him asking me to prove to him that I want him back, since I was his forever.

Needless to say we were a bit intoxicated and the next morning he told me we had moved to fast. Later that day he told me he had developed feelings for my sister the previous night.

I didn't know how to react and went to her thinking she'd be there for me, reject his advances but instead she acted as if it was nothing and told him she liked him too the next day.

Now they can't understand why I can't accept it, why I'm negative all the time, why I am hurt deeply by this. To them its strange that I can't bounce back from this. How do I? I lost everything.

He keeps in contact with me, still and keeps telling me that my sad moods influence him in a negative way, that it makes him feel worse. But how can I help it. Both of them broke me completely. He can't understand why I despise my sister and now he's taken to posting her pictures as his profile pictures all the time with comments like "woah! beautiful" on it. for me to see, to rub my nose in it.

I made a promise to still be there for him, but this is so hard, yes in a way I still need his presence in my life, but I find it harder and harder to not give up on life completely.

It feels like God is torturing me for entertainment purposes since in my whole life this kind of thing always happened. She's always been the one to get everything she had wanted even if it meant hurting someone else. I thought this one time, God smiled at me and said "your turn"

Turns out He must hate me really really bad.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 14, 2013