Deteriorating Mind

Ok well you know I don't know where to begin, so I guess Ill just talk you know. I like to talk haha. In the last semester of 11th grade, I have gone from an A's and B's student to a D's and F's student. And its not like I'm an idiot or anything. Well I am, but not in that way. I got a 2150 on my SAT, and then realized its useless cuz I don't think i can do this anymore. The reason my grades dropped off I think can be rooted back to my black hole memory, like I'll just wake up some mornings with pretty much no recollection of the day before and I get to class and it turns out I had a giant assignment due that I don't even remember getting. My mom used to be nice and great and I thought she loved me, but since I started failing, she kicked me out of the house in the winter and I slept outside school and talked to myself all night cuz it was too cold to sleep. I talk to myself a lot, but not like I mean it's just like having a conversation with anyone else, just with me. Helps me think and plan. And my mom says she fantasizes about cutting my tongue out and beating me for a year straight, but I'm not worried cuz I mean I'm 17, I can take my mom if she tries to cut my tongue out. I play games sometimes, eat a random mushroom to see if it's poisonous, sleep on the tallest branch of a tree, I drove my bike off a cliff, because death doesn't sound that bad, but I'm not suicidal though, just...dreaming. I feel like I don't actually do half the things that I do, like I'm watching it or like dreaming. You forget dreams, I forget life because I am dreaming? I dont know. Anyways, I have this obsession with psychedelics, and I take morning glories occasionally 150 seeds ground up and eaten with chocolate milk, they are some of the better nights of my life. But then the worthless feeling hits me really hard the next day. I don't smoke weed though because I don't like smoking things, so I only did that once with my friends and that's it, hate the feeling in my lungs. I feel like I'll end up a coughing mess like my dad. I know organic chem so well now I could make LSD, but I don't have right reagents. I could get them though probably from my school cuz I'm in this biotech program and I can get tons of chemicals. Then again I couldn't do it well because some of the necessary intermediates are very specific and only used for a few things. Back to friends, I have a lot of friends who are girls and there's this girl I like but she is kinda hard to read so I dont want to say anything at the moment. Plus I am paranoid that she secretly hates me and just pretends to like me to be nice or something. I hate people, too hard to figure out.The rest of my friends either play baseball with me, are squares in my AP classes, or are potheads, I hang with a diverse group. Yeah, I'm getting into this, I believe the original reason I posted this boils down to this, Is there something wrong with me? I'm afraid my mind is evaporating out, and someone just put me on the stove these last couple months and Im boiling.
Elderspirit Elderspirit
18-21, M
1 Response May 17, 2012

Hey there. This post of yours is not new anymore, so I hope you have gotten help since you wrote this. If not, it sounds to me like you should get a medical professional to check you out; the detachment you describe doesn't sound normal to me, but then again I'm no professional. Either way, hope you are well!