I Can See It

I am waiting to be put away. I don't feel life or happiness. I am always tired and upset and jealous of what I don't have and...I just cannot explain it out loud. My mind...I am misplacing my true head here. I feel so alone...and I know that is so lame to say because I have so many people in my life, but I can assure you, they do not want to know what I think. They all believe that my dreams of being a male singer and dancer are too ridiculous...and I tell them that i just want to sing, not that I wish to appear as a male. I feel freaken pathetic. Like, I do not deserve anything. I want to be hit, I want to feel pain, because I know I deserve that. I hear it all the time that girls that want to be boys and that boys that want to be girls are wrong, that we are mistakes....so what if i am? Transgender...Is a disorder. That it is all mental. I want to be cured. I cannot take this anymore! I cannot be what I am so I want it to go away. I don't know how to make him go away. No one will help me. My friend thinks that it is cute, that i should embrace it. But i do not want to. I CANT. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be this girl that is floating. That is a freaken loser to this life. I feel like I want to die...But than how can i be a singer if i am dead? I cant. Ahhhhhhhh, it just hurts. I hurt all over. I hate this. I hate myself. I hate that no one in my freaken family can see that something is wrong with me without cutting myself. I don't want to cut again because I don't know if I will be able to stop. It's building in me. The need to bleed out. If I do it once, I bet I will kill myself...And maybe that's what is supposed to happen and I am stupidly keeping myself alive. I don't know what I need. I feel so sick of my face. So sick of my body. I am just ill. Why am I here is all I feel is pain? I cannot look down at myself. I cannot wake up without thinking that something is wrong with me in all ways. I cannot look at myself in a mirror without wondering what it would look like if I was an actual boy. I would be tall like my brothers. Strong like my father. Thin and handsome. Mother would like me more, she would possibly be able to talk to me without yelling if i was one of her sons and not her troubled daughter that she dislikes more often than like. If I changed now, my father would never talk to me. He told me transgenders are disgusting. That they are unnatural. He'll never like the real me that I even hate. There is no way I can win. As a girl, I have it all, men, family, people that think I am beautiful. As a boy, i will not have my family. Men would stop finding me attractive in the way that I know. How can I be a boy is I am a girl? I have been a girl all my life...my body has been. So I must be. Right? I hate that I think this way. I want to burn my face, cut off my skin, and let the world crush down on my dead body. I HATE HIM. If i never learned what a transgender was, i would just be floating as a girl with "tom boyish" needs. I hate how much I want to just die, but on the other hand, I don't want to die. I like sleeping and my pets and reading and singing and dancing too much for that.

I just don't know how much more I can take before I go completely insane all on my own.
SunkinLies SunkinLies
18-21, T
Oct 1, 2012