A little over two weeks ago the man who raised me passed away suddenly.. My grandpa, only 54 years old (he was supposed to turn fifty five the next week), went to the hospital because his stomach was hurting him to the point of being completely unbearable. It turns out he had a vascular disease that sent poisons throughout his blood and he needed to get emergency surgery because the poisons were killing his lower bowels. The doctors said it would take two hours and I was told he should be fine, but the next thing I know, they said that there is nothing they can do and he is going to die within the next day or two. They said they were going to wake him up, so I waited.. And waited.. And waited.. I stayed up in the hospital the rest of the night, and then the rest of the day, barely being able to eat. That's when the doctors told us that if they woke him up he'd need so much pain medication that his heart would stop, that they weren't going to wake him up. He died a few hours later. I cried for about thirty six hours straight, and now all I can feel is numbness. I've lived with my grandparents most of my life, I moved out with my mom when I was in second grade, moving around a lot and eventually moving back in about a year later with my grandparents AND my mom when my aunt died.
She was killed with three of her friends in a fire in her apartment caused by a schizophrenic homeless woman who had managed to get into the apartment. She was 24, with a four year old son. She was about to graduate college on the Dean's list in a month, and was supposed to move back in with my grandparents in a few weeks. I grew up living with her, thinking of her as a sister, I loved her more than anything. And now I live with grandma, my mom, my mom's boyfriend, my younger sister, and my cousin, who is the son of my aunt who passed.
Everyday I have to put up with my mom and her boyfriend telling me how bad of a person I am, how the things that go wrong in our lives is my fault, how I'm stupid and rude, and act like a child. My mom has been with him for about ten years now. I've never liked him, he's always been extremely mean to not just me, but everyone around him. He's also very sexist and childish, and he used to beat my mom. I have to listen to him talk crap about the rest of my family, and to me, and if I ever say anything back I get in trouble because THEY are the adults and I'M the child. I get yelled at and grounded for everything I do, and I don't know how much longer I can take this.
When I lived with my mom, her boyfriend, and my sister when I was younger, I did almost commit suicide. I was only seven, but I was extremely depressed, and I was going to make myself bleed out in the kitchen. I had the knife ready, and it was after my mom's boyfriend had called me many names. He asked what I was doing and I told him. His response was to laugh at me, mock me, and tell me that I'm too chicken to do it.
My mom and I used to have mother-daughter dates quite frequently when I was little, I adored her and spent as much time as I could with her, but now I can't stand her because she always takes her boyfriend's side, and calls me names just like he does. I've never thought I'm too bad of a person, I have lots of friends and I'm nice to everyone, and I would always do community service with my grandparents. I get good grades, I'm usually very positive and the kids I babysit and work with at my job love me, and I've never given a reason for my mom to not trust me, I always follow the rules. But now I honestly don't know what to do, they've been picking fights with me everyday, and I can't take it. All they do after my mom gets home from work is sit in the basement watching tv and smoking weed, eating food and leaving dishes everywhere. I'm going to be sixteen in a few months, and after this school year ends I still have my junior and senior years of high school left. I honestly don't know how I can survive those two years, I wouldn't ever commit suicide, I could never do that to my grandma, but I don't know how I can survive any longer living with them. I'm sorry that this was so long, but I've been feeling so down lately, my life is literally crumbling apart.. My best friend hasn't been able to be here for me too much, her mom died the day after my grandpa did. I just needed to know some people would listen when I shared my feeling and not yell at for it or put me down or mock and laugh at me.
blackbirdfly84 blackbirdfly84
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 13, 2014

I'm sorry for your loss

Thanks c: