I hate my days off. I hate sitting here at home, as much as I like spending time with the baby. It's lonely and I have all this thinking time. I live for the work week, not for the weekend. I love days I have to go to work. I am distracted, I am me again. I try to get lost in my clients and their stories. For a few hours, I am free to be left alone. Selfish, I know, but ah the chronicles of a single mum. When I'm here alone, I overthink. I am sad and lonely and wish we had someone here to love us, to be a little family like I use to dream of long ago.
You know, what are the odds that I went and found a piece of ****, just like my "father". I don't even know the ****** and yet I still managed to have a child with someone exactly the same. And I hate that. Like its some destiny or pattern I followed. I can't wrap my head around that. And I hate myself for it. I'm trying to not be mean to myself, but God can I be ******* stupid. Like really stupid.
But I suppose you live and you learn, and you end up a single mom sometimes. Some women find love, I found nothing. Some women get married, I get nothing. Some women travel the world, I end up trapped.
I have the feeling I'm going to be alone for a very long time. Like I feel I need to strap in and get settled because it's going to be a long road. And i almost want to collapse at that thought, but I simply can't. I just can't. And I guess being alone is much better than where I was. And I guess I'm not cut out for love. Apparently I'm not good at it, I was never taught how to love nor what a successful relationship consists of since all my life, I was raised fatherless. I don't know anything else.
And now look at me. ******* fool. I went and did the same **** to my own daughter. I despise my mom sometimes for every thing she put me through and all her stupid mistakes and I can't help it. So how dare she give me a hard time when she went and did the same stupid ****. God forbid my daughter does the same. I'm scared for her.
I'm scared for me.
Negrita13131 Negrita13131
26-30, F
Jan 10, 2016