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I Will Never Be Good Enough For Myself

When I was young, i was the happiest girl around. I appreaciate life, see all the good things, smile when the sun warms my skin with its rays but now, it is nothing but a blurred memory at the back of my mind. I can't remember when this self-loathing starts but i am sure it has been with me like a second skin for a very loooong time now.

I always have this voice in my head.
me : what a pretty dress!
voice in my head : Don't even think of trying it what more buying it, you'll ruin the dress. It's only for pretty people!

This voice never leaves me, it's part of me! I hated myself. Not just my looks, but every single thing about me. The way I speak, the way i act around people, how stupid and careless i am, how slow for me to catch up, how indecisive i am...the list is endless. With this much hate towards myself, i will never ever expect anyone to like me...
fuglygirlonthebench fuglygirlonthebench 18-21, F 5 Responses Mar 18, 2011

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I am going to like you.

Hmmm... Actually there are many aspects that I do not like about myself (just exactly what you described) but I think it's about acceptance of everything and a willingness to change to become a better version of yourself.

And do banish that inner critic. When you begin to think those negative thoughts- hold yourself back and identify them! Replace them with good thoughts that are kind to yourself, such as "I'm not that pretty but this dress is pretty and I will wear it to make myself feel prettier!"
:)

It's crazy how much we think a like. I do get pretty dresses though, but how much I hate myself. I will never ever expect anyone to like me. If they do I will end up pushing them away because I feel so uncomfortable in this so called body I was given.

yeah exactly!

yeah..it's good to know somebody understands...

I understand, I can't even crack open a photo album any more. I just have to go with what memories I have from first person point of view. In my fat photos I am reminded of how fat I am and in my thinner photos I am reminded of how I could look if I actually tried. I have the voice too:<br />
<br />
ME: I finally finished the painting! <br />
VOICE: And your rushing made it look like crap...<br />
<br />
Or similar mental dialogues...