I'm Just Not.

I'm not pretty enough, I'm not witty enough, I'm not kind enough. I wish I'd stop demonizing myself for all these little things, and torturing myself for my past. I'm sick of having all these nightmares every day. But part of me says, I deserve it. I totally deserve it. I don't deserve to be loved because I'm not good enough. I don't deserve to have good dreams. I don't deserve good grades. So. I won't get them, and I won't try to. Because I'm not good enough. I have to stay up late, to get dark circles, and be sleepy the entire day, because I don't deserve to look alive and peppy. When I see someone I like, I'd better keep my mouth shut and never tell them and never hint at it, because I sure as sugar don't deserve them. I don't deserve anyone. Because I'm selfish. All the volunteering I do is to make myself feel better about being bad and selfish. I don't deserve to put it on my college apps. I don't deserve to go to a good school. I'm really not as smart as I pretend to be. I'm a pretentious, self-centered brat who sometimes uses smart words. I should stick with the typical jargon. I sound like a stuffy old lady. When people put me down, I should keep my mouth shut because if I stood up for myself, it'd make them unhappy. And sure, it makes me unhappy and frustrated, but I don't deserve to be anything but that, do I? I have to humor them. Look out for everybody but me. Be the doormat. Or else some cranky old lady's gonna get mad at me for being selfish and mean and hateful. Because you're not supposed to stick up for yourself. No, sir. Not even in a passive way. Because I'm not good enough. I can't stick up for myself, because it'd make me worse off than I already AM.
I'm not even allowed to be mad over the internet and show my feelings because it's mean and nasty and I'm not allowed to show any other emotions other than the nice ones. Because it's not moral. I'm not supposed to paint myself nicely with my words. I'm allowed to make everyone else look good, but me. Because that's the way the world goes. And I might be able to empathize and understand, but it's not okay to stick up for others if I understand someone else better than they do, because clearly they think they're better, and I'm not suppose to challenge it or put in my two cents.
And. Just because it looks like the nasty rumors at school about me have stopped, doesn't mean I'm okay now. Noooo. They only stopped that because of the fire suicide threat. They've just decided to stop gossiping about me in front of my face. It's still there. And always will be there, to remind me of all the things I've always thought I wasn't, and brainwash me into thinking I am. 
Fuzzies Fuzzies
61-65, M
2 Responses Sep 16, 2012

god this is my story,,,,,"When I see someone I like, I'd better keep my mouth shut and never tell them and never hint at it, because I sure as sugar don't deserve them. I don't deserve anyone. Because I'm selfish.When people put me down, I should keep my mouth shut because if I stood up for myself, it'd make them unhappyI'm really not as smart as I pretend to be. I'm a pretentious, self-centered brat who sometimes uses smart words. I should stick with the typical jargon. I sound like a stuffy old lady"i think the same way,,,,i sometimes have auditory hallucinations too, but my shrink tells me that inspite of the mild whispers i might actually just have issues with self esteem and self acceptance. Those feelings are my feelings...i really feel this pain the way you do!

I can relate to you so much and im 19. It really sucks that I can tell other people to feel better about themselves, yet I can't take my own advice..I don't ever want anyone to feel the way I do, i wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. So please girl, cheer up. Look in the mirror and see the beauty that is inside you. You are more beautiful than you know.

Ah, thank you!

love what you said about seeing the beauty inside first.