The Clock Doesnt Stop Ticking

As I approach my 42nd birthday I find myself looking at where Ive been, where I am now, and where Id like to go from here. The main thing that stands out to me is that Im roughly halfway through my life (based on an average 80-85 year lifespan)....the days behind me are growing more in number and the days ahead are growing fewer. Thats the saddest thing about being alive, that we are all bound and limited by time. Im not so much concerned anymore about what I havent done or accomplished, Im more concerned about the here and now because it will have impact on the future (just as the past impacted the present). The bottom line is that There isnt much to go on. Whether by my own mistakes or by things totally beyond my control.....I am at a place in my life where Im just "spinning my wheels". I have so many things Id like to accomplish and achieve, but there is just no way possible for me to do it (hasnt been for years and doesnt look good coming either). I have changed and scaled down my life and dreams almost to nothing to fit more into the reality of my life,,,,but its done no good. The worst part is that time keeps on moving along which means the end gets closer and closer. I am afraid of the future to be honest with you. I dont know what it holds and Im afraid that eventually I'll be too old and/or in too poor of health and it will be too late. Worse....the end may come even earlier than expected, or time will just naturally run out for me.

IndyJoe IndyJoe
41-45, M
2 Responses Feb 28, 2009

I felt like this at 30, and looked ahead to start planning the next 10 years with Uni and a 2nd career. Those 10yrs flew by and next thing i know i'm 40 without my goal achieve and felt any further chance was too late.<br />
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I headed to a psychologist and wept out my heart at what a failure I was.<br />
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She has helpe me put it all in perspective. I have achieved. I have got my son (who had problems in school and life) through high school and who turned out not too shabby. I have a stable and motivated daughter just entering the last two years of school before uni.<br />
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My father became ill and eventually passed away, my mother went through cancer - twice and survived. My marriage broke down (was on its way out anyway). I had an episode of clinically depression that took me out of work for 10 months. I had a complete career change when I left my job afterwards. (At this point I really did feel it was all over).<br />
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This has been my last 10 years, and I felt, personally, a failure. I hadnt' reached my own goals, but had to keep a number of others around me supported and alive.<br />
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Dads gone - he had some good quality life at the end of it. Mum is in remission. My son has survived his troubles and is headed down the right track. I haven't failed at all. I saved 4 others, including myself.<br />
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Know it's my turn. At 42, I've enrolled in uni for in a marine science degree. I've applied for and just recieve an offer of a new job at a higher level (a pay bracket i never thought I'd ever see). I have a new ten year goal, with small achieveable plans to reach that goal. I look at life day by day, I live in the moment, while maintaining an eye on my bigger picture.<br />
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A friend said to me a little while ago during a conversation about his own life "I'm getting younger every day.". I've adopted that mentatily as my own. That small phrase, and my belief in it, has helped changed the way I percieve things.<br />
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At 42, it is not too late. It's just the start.<br />
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I wish you well, and hope that you too can find your new start.<br />
<br />
ange<br />
xxx

Thanks for your comment. I have accepted that many (okay most) of the big things I ever dreamed of will just never happen. What Im referring to is the average dreams....Having our own home and property where we can create our our own "retreat/sanctuary" where we can live out or lives together as we wish, having some sort of financial stability where finances arent a CONSTANT worry, being able to take advantage of some opportunites as they come along, being able to have and do some of the things that make life more interesting and pleasurable whithout having to forget it because there's not enough time or money. What do I accomplish everyday?.....I get through it.