Struggling

I have had a really bad month.  I am not a depressed person by nature, nor have I ever suffered from depression.  I should be on top of the world right now. 

I left my sexless marriage, am in the process of a divorce, I have my health, a great job, a roof over my head, my bills get paid, and I have this wonderful loving man in my life who treats me like a princess.  And for the most part, I feel lucky and very grateful.

Yet, I feel like I am falling backwards.  I am emotional, frustrated, and can't shake the feeling that I am a complete and utter failure.  I feel alone and I am anything but.  So what is this amd how do I get beyond it?

My therapist says it's normal to still feel grief, even after all this time.  I am still very sad about my marriage, as if there was something more i could have done to save it.  That's a horrible feeling to walk away with.

I know the healing process is different for everyone.  I am turning 46 in a few months, and I feel as though life is getting away from me again.  I want to feel that joy that I am supposed to feel, but all I do is scream deep down inside.
kungfuchic kungfuchic
46-50, F
12 Responses Jun 24, 2010

AC: I think it's a combination of a few things. I am still very connected to his family. Emotionally that is hard, but I love them dearly and hate to sever my relationships with them. I think it's the filing of papers after all this time and knowing that the finality of the Divorce is looming.<br />
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I think its fear of starting a new life.

Stay strong. <br />
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At the risk of opening a wound, let me ask: Might your blues be a result of a life-long dream that now seems dauntingly impossible?

How blessed I am to have such a wonderful support group. I am not sure that the fear doubt and insecurity ever really goes away, it just mellows in time. I am petrified of starting a new life; for what if I fail again and make another mistake.<br />
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I realize more and more how much harm my marriage did to me, or how much harm I allowed it to do. <br />
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In spite of all the pain and hurt, love is a very strong emotion. I think once my divorce is final, some of this will lift.<br />
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Thank you so much for your love and support.<br />
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Hugs.

My friend, you are such a tower of strength (well said by NIL). You have given me so much support, so often an ear, and always love. It pains me to read that you feel like you are slipping. Then again, you feel how you feel and that needs to be acknowledged, not suppressed (enough of that already). We all have moments of questioning, fear, despair, unknowing ... and like them or not they are part of us as we work through all this ****, this emotional roller-coaster. <br />
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You know, it seems to me that this cloud has surfaced at the same time that you and your H filed for divorce. And while it has been long planned and long in coming and you've been out of the house for so long -- it is still 'it', a moment of finality. I suspect you are in mourning, grieving the loss of the hopes and possibilities. Yes, mourn and grieve. I don't think or worry that you will wish to reclaim the marriage. Still it deserves a proper burial as you poured so much of yourself into it. Hmmm, am wondering, maybe we need to have a ritual that properly can give some form to the emotions around divorce, as we do with births / marriages / deaths. <br />
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One of your many gifts is your capacity to care and love. We are here, got your back, support you. Sending you love and hugs, virtual style.

Grief, my personal word of the month, is something that comes roaring back to bite you when you least expect it. <br />
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Yesterday, I watched a man with a cane slowly walk across the street while I waited... he had a plump little dog with him, who carefully stayed out from underfoot, and never once tightened the leash... It reminded my of how Promise, my wonderful horse who has gone on to the place where good horses go, would walk beside me when I was ill... taking little baby steps, letting me hold her mane... her eyes glowing with love and accomplishment... and I cried all the way home.<br />
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...and I am now, writing this... It never really goes away... it just gets easier to deal with as time goes on. <br />
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That sense of failure, is also a fear of the future... fear that this, as wonderful as it seems may not be safely depended on... and worse yet, that you may not be safely depended on... by you.<br />
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But you can, dear friend... you have grown and learned so much in the past couple of years. <br />
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...and most of all, you have learned to communicate... with us, with yourself, and with your loving man. Keep working at that, and all will be well.<br />
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Love you, friend... LLL (FoP)

Hey Girl,<br />
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You've been through alot. It's no wonder you have days or weeks when you are still screaming inside. It's gonna take awhile to wear off -- probably never will completely. But, you are stronger than you were. VK is right..<br />
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Princess Knowsit

Yes, yes I do rock. Matter of fact, rather loudly in the car - earlier today - to some Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm. Classic - even if it is a remake.<br />
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I am sure I will rock again later as well. It's normal for me. Might even go hardcore with some Sinatra or Dean Martin followed closely by some old-school Metallica - Trapped Under Ice (which could be the headbanger's song for this forum). I'm looking lyrics up now…<br />
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Anyway - joking. You know that.

I still love you today Meat Man, in fact, more today than yesterday! You Rock!

Hey - really - it will all be OK. Big bear hugs.<br />
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With every day comes new possibilities and challenges. Something great will happen today. It's Friday! Nothing EVER goes wrong on Friday!

You just did. Same to you.<br />
I got your back - and I'm not the only one.<br />
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You'll be OK.

Thank you Meat Man. Did I tell you today how much I love you?

KFC -<br />
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I'm guessing here, but my initial thought because of 2 divorces is…you may very well be afraid of your loving man not being what you want him to be. Sure, he very well might be… but, you thought the last 2 were too. It's not an easy feeling to put away. If there are doubts, then there are doubts. If there are NO doubts, then try and relax and let it come as it will. It might take longer than you want to be truly feeling normal - whether it is with another man or life in general. Give him some time if you aren't sure - you eventually will be. And be honest with him about how you got where you are today. Then there is even MORE reason to love someone when they accept you for who you are.<br />
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And 46 is just a number. We are either going there, we're there, or we've been there. Don't let that define what you THINK you should be doing and feeling at this point of your life. You are where you are. It wasn't easy, but you can't say it wasn't your life. So let what you do from here on define the rest of your life. It's the old 'dash between the 2 numbers' on the gravestone that defines a person. Make the dash count.<br />
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Personally, I think you're alot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Yes, those of us who try and act strong and put up a good defense have our really bad days too. They pass. And as far as your marriage… honestly… do you think it would be different today had you stayed? Probably not. We all know we hoped and have optimistic views on 'changing' things to balance out. We (ILIASM forum peeps) also know the percentage of change is very low to non-existent. You were being suffocated. You needed to get out from under to have THIS chance to make your life something. You are at that point - making it something more than it could have been with your ex. Keep that in mind. You are still in the early stages of this as well, so it's normal to struggle from time to time. We know how you feel, to some extent. I also don't like it when girls cry. I get that feeling from you. Stop it.<br />
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Hopefully you can keep your head up today. Do something fun, crazy, out of your norm. Do it because you decided to and no one else told you to or made you feel obligated to. Try and have some fun - I know you know how ! :-)<br />
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MM