Its Like The Seeds Were Planted In My Mind.

It seems like i've always been in a weird transition phase in my life. 

I'm always telling myself that once I get passed whatever stage it is i'll be who I am suppose to be and I will be planted on the ground. No longer feeling like i'm floating all the time.

But the stages are always struggles that I put on myself.

This has effected my social life, my personal life and may have just ****** up my future career possibilities because all of my motivation is just gone.

The thing is that it always seems like i'm not in control of what I actually think or do.

Its as if my mind was set up to be screwed up from the beginning. Like the seeds that were planted there were bad to begin with.

During short discussions with family or friends or people I don't even know I tend to lie about small stupid **** about myself.  Lie about small things that seem like excuses for myself so I can feel better about who I am.
The thing about the lies is that they are completely irrelevant from my entire life.  As if i'm trying to make myself seem smarter or more interesting than I really am.
Every time I do one of these small white lies, I always yell at myself inside and ask myself why I did or said something as if that voice that's yelling at me is actually my voice and it cant get out.  That voice is trapped inside my head and it cant take over the rest of the brain and take the control it should have.

Its as if I really am trapped inside myself. Trapped inside the way I think, my perspectives on life, my ways of accomplishing goals... Everything.

I do things that go against my actual inner voice and I cant stop. 

I always try to think differently based on perspectives other people have because I hate the way I think. 

Its as if my mind missed a lecture when it was younger or some kind of memo when I was being created that would have set it free.
I also always have a reoccurring thought that says people around me know something I don't..

Almost as if i'm really autistic and nobody told me I am.

When I first started this phase about two years ago when I started being very internal and thoughtful I always try to peg whats going on inside my mind so i can try and destroy that type of thinking.

I always think about the sociological and psychological effects and how they effected me.
I keep thinking about what could have happened to me to make me think the way I do.
I always think about the right or wrong thing to do in someone Else's eyes and I cant just be me.  I cannot think of the right or wrong thing in my own eyes. I ALWAYS put a portrait up of people around me who are the closest and I act accordingly to what I feel their standards are. 

Then I think about how much I must hate myself for thinking this way and how I wish I could just step out of myself and leave my flesh tomb behind.

The one thing that really gives me some kind of reassurance and stops my mind is some kind of depressing song that strikes a note with me.  I'm an active musician and i'm so thankful I have music to shut my head up for a couple of minutes.

This is not even the tip of the iceberg of my thoughts that disturb me.  I mean you cant just type out a map of someones mind but I'm hoping someone can find this and connect and not feel so alone inside of themselves. 

I hope I'll find someone who is like this so I don't feel so completely alone.
milesdleeg milesdleeg
2 Responses Jul 15, 2010

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We are exactly alike. We know human behavior so well we cant help but dissect our own selves. We know when we are doing something selfish and wrong. Its our nature and we aren't supposed to realize it. You just have to know that what your doing is trying to ***** away things your not supposed to. Don't chastise yourself from mistakes. Because mistakes are what molds us into who we are. And leads to happiness in the end.