Whi Is This Happening To Me?

I'm now 29 years old.I have no idea when this wave of darkness came over me.I'm trying to look back into my life to remember if there was a time when i was not covert in it.Maybe as a child by the age of 14 or 15,but i'm not sure.
Life has no colors,the food has no taste.
Sometimes i feel that i was cursed by someone even if i dont believe in things like that,but this seems like the only explination.I mean...why me?what have i done to deserve this?
Maybe is the age that we are living in.Have i wached to many war documentaries about history or wars?read to many books?It's better to be an absolute ignorant about **** that happens in the world?
I often think at different suicide scenarios but 5 minutes later i forget about them and believe that something good will happen to me...it never does.I dont wanna die,but why live 30 or 40 more years?
I'm a wreck in social situations,especially when i meet new people.It's like my brain is freezing and some retard is speaking in my behalf.I cant do anything right,even if in my mind i know what i have to do,but when i start to do the job it comes up all wrong...it's like a ******* supernatural presence is on my shoulder and keeps me from succeding at anything.
I look at my very few friends practically eating life,feeling alive,while i feel i'm no different than an animal keept in a cage.
Why the **** i was borned?it seems like such a waste of a life.
Gepeto Gepeto
26-30
Aug 3, 2010