The Wall

I`m not sure where to begin, I just feel I really have to get this off my chest...for example, today, some friends made me and other people a beautiful surprise, and we were all there, we could express ourselfs and so on...between them there was this guy thta I used to like a lot, and still do, I tried so many times to escape from this, because he is kind of popular, and I am so much afrad that he will laugh/ make fun of me, and is the last thing I want...I`ve had some bad experiences in my past also, with my family, I`ve always been teased, denied, but not all the time....I believe I let all those things get right into my heart, and that`s why it has affected me that hard...

It`s somehow weird, because I`ve tried for some years to show my feelings to this person, to be as open as I could, and he likes me I guess, but as a mate I think. I tried to deny my feelings but sometimes there are some ideas in my head that if I could be more open/ be myself, do every little crazy stuff that crosses my mind, without being afraid of rejection all the time, people could know me...better, I suppose..

I believe that my past experiences affected me quite badly, because sometimes I feel like I`m in a prison, trapped. I keep admiring people, and not feel worthy of their company, and if I happen to really like someone, than, it gets even`s like a wall, that doesn`t let me share what I feel, when I feel...

gia99 gia99
18-21, F
2 Responses Mar 10, 2010

I know, these walls can be quite annoying, and sometimes can make life a living hell. But maybe they turn into a prison because we are not happy with ourselfs, we keep looking for happiness outside not inside. We should give ourselfs time, understand that we can`t heal overnight and stop trying to fulfill everyone`s wishes and expectations. Maybe for a while we should do exactly what we feel, buy things we like, work out, simply learn to feel good with ourselfs, without worring that others might not agree.

This sounds so much like me. All of it. I, too, believe my past experiences affected me quite badly... it's like I naturally have a greater tendency of staying reserved and not sharing, experiences added to it. Sometimes, I feel comfortable in these walls because of my nature and other times I want to break free of them. They kind of keep me away from life.