Nagging Death.

I am compelled to end my life.  I hear a thought, a voice almost.  It is a stronger part of me... perhaps the strongest.  I am very tired now, and wish to succumb to the wish.  I live only for others, so they do not feel emotional heartbreak.  When I die, it will kill a part of others. 


I wish i didn't feel like it.  I attempt suicide 20 years ago, but haven't since, though have come close.  I do no plan, but am pushed to by something inside.  I probably never will, but sometimes the temptation is too powerful.


I am so unhappy.  My wife has left me because she cannot handle this part of me.  She also left me because i shouted at her, and blamed her for things that were not her fault.  This makes me feel worthless.  I feel like taking a knife and stabbing myself in the throat. 


I have had another breakdown last three years.  I am compelled, at times, to cut off my hand with an axe.  Sometimes, the thought of blinding myself creeps in.  I have suffered such disturbing thoughts - compulsions, for a while now and pride myself of having become a teacher, and having some sort of life.  I love hiking, but eighteen months ago i was chased out of the hills by a voice that wanted me to die.  I also got locked in cabin for 4 days, and was unable to leave as two sides battled.  I tried to stop myself from hitting myself but couldn't stop. 



I have a strange history.  I think parents break up, some unfortunate events in my life, and the battle between the devil and jesus (who i do not believe in) in my subconsious have something to do with it.


I am not sleeping again.  A bad sign.  And I miss my wife.


It is funny that we are supposed to have rights.  Why can't those who love me be happy if i died?

Ramblingon Ramblingon
36-40, M
1 Response Mar 1, 2010

why are you saying like this? why are you talking death here? You know how horrible it is. you know that life is precious and yours is beautiful. no one and nothing is forcing you to end your life. I am in great trouble myself but I kick out this kinda thoughts immediatley out of my mind. <br />
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Love yourself more. If you respect yourself, your life, then who will? don't let this evil thought defeat you. live life to the fullest.