Why Do I Feel So Lonely?

I over all have a good life at this point in my life., i had many things happened to me.... Im the oldest of 3 and have a 20 yr old sister shes a mother of two nd a younger brother whose 16.. My outer shell is very happy nd happy go luck attitude..im told nd im aware im a very pretty girl nd i just so happened to have a big heart... Everyone around me except my mom and dad seem to over look the efforts i try to do... I feel part of how my mom sees me is my fault, i dont know how to say i love u mom/dad im more into to showing how i feel rather than saying it.. takes alot from me to say how i feel so i feel writing it down is easier. At times i feel that what i do is never enough... And i cant be the person they want me to b i think i behave well my parents know i smoke marijuana and they dont like it but they let me do my own decisons... I think at my age i should have more going on.. But i have alot in my plate right now i have a 2011 truck im paying off by myself its one of my greatest achivements.. I work most of the week and i love my job but i gotta say i have problems with some girls at work.. But they are the least of my problems kuz i can very much defend my self verbally and physically......not that it would come to that at work.... I didnt finish school so i dnt have my diploma.. Two things i got sent to an alternative school for possesion at school this happened in my 18th birthday.. But first i went to county jail i had a violation of probation on a case i previously had. So got out went to the school i was sent to ended up dropping out as all this was happening my boyfriend of two yrs cheated on me with a girl who wanted him before we were together.. So my life sucked at the time. He just didnt know and probably will never imagen how much i suffered trying to cope with all that i was going thru but i left him.... Eventually timed passed hes no longer in my life and the saddest part is he never now looks for me its like i never existed.. Hes from what i know still with that girl he cheated on me with... It no longer hurts me like before but was it all a lie.? Anyways stared working nd found me a job... After two yrs working as a janitor i found a job were they would train you as a dental assistant... Thats my job now... I passed my test nd all i gotta do is write a letter explaining my felony.. I have not written it kuz i dont know how to put it down in paper and make sound not that badd... When it was, also sometimes i feel like i care about everybody im close to but when its time to be there for me everyone banishes.. Sometimes my youngervsister nd my mom gang up on me and attack me verbally nd it hurts me alot kuz her as a sister doesnt know she gotta stick up for me and b there for me i know she has alot going on too, but if she isnt helping me stop sinking me... Sometimes i fedl marijuana is a get away for me because i dont wanna cry my whole day and after im high i always feel like everything will b ok again..my type of **** everybody feeling... I feel like i gotta stick it out alone having support.... i always think to my self what have i done to deserve this feeling of emptiness i feel inside. ?.. I feel at times a loner and spend alot of time over analizing things... I dont even have family im close to in the state i live in so its just me and my thoughts to my self i pray to god to get this feeling away frome me kuz sonetimes i break down from time to time being such an emotionally strong person.
killerhunny killerhunny
22-25, F
May 17, 2012