It's Lonely

I think the people that care about me most are those I've never even met. They are, I guess, 'internet penpals', many of which I've known for years. I suppose in a way it makes sense; while I close myself off to lots of people in my life, online I can be honest (like right now), and tell it like it is. There are some of those people I know online who really do know and care about me. They know me because just like in 'real life' we've discussed our interests, spoke of past memories and experiences. We've shared our hopes and dreams (not that I have many, to be quite honest with you. I don't know what I want).

Well anyway, back to 'real life', maybe I don't let my feelings known enough, but I don't think that would change anything. My supposed 'best friend', who I've bitched about plenty in other posts, almost has this attitude like it should be accepted I'm her follower, therefore I must do things with her, like go out and night, though the evening will-- if she has her own way-- end up being about her about 99.99% of the time. Why should anyone put up with it? Why do I put up with it? It's just a routine I'm trapped in, I suppose. I've known her for years, I've become, I guess, 'comfortable' following her, being her 'side-kick' who doesn't really voice an opinon much. More than that, I'm used to not having my feelings cared about. The amount of times I have tried to make her feel better, to give her advice-- I don't think she would sit still long enough to listen to my problems. In fact, I know she wouldn't. My parents split up, which I was relieved about (together it was just verbal fights and mind games, ect ect), though there would still be problems-- like the fact that my mum was the one forced to move out (I went with her), to rent, at that, and was constantly stressed out by having to go to job that she hated. I remember trying to tell my friend things like this, but she would never just stop and listen.

I'm not surprised she doesn't understand-- her parents (mum and stepfather from an early age) shower her with attention, buy into her attention-seeking schemes and let her do pretty much whatever. They always listen to her, they never fight with one another and are overall a very loving family.

The thing my friend has always cared about, maybe even more than her friends, is boys. Boys boys boys boys boys. And I've known her since she was twelve. She was one of those early starters, definitely. She'd have a dozen 'boyfriends' at twelve years of age alone. She always had the attitude that 'going out' with guys was the most important thing. She was never like me, in believing that boyfriends come and go, but friends are forever. No... I'm fairly certain she'd pick anyone with a **** over me.

You'd think I'd be thankful when years later she has a longterm boyfriend but sometimes I think it's worse. They're always started arguments over nothing (or I'd say, she starts most of them), and a lot of the time I think she can't handle things going too right. If only she knew how I have it-- I would kill to be in her position a lot of the time; things running smoothly, nothing to worry about...

I battled depression for years and I think she's definitely one of those people that are uneducated about it, because I don't remember her even once even using the D-word. One time I actually bonded with her boyfriend a little because we discovered that we had both had bad anxiety issues in the past. But do you know what happened? She didn't like that we had this in common. One night him and me had a conversation on msn that stretched on into the night. I've never been interested in him in 'that way' but she got all paranoid about it and he hasn't been online much since. And when he does come on, he never talks to me.

Sometimes I don't think my mum cares about what she puts me through either. She's gone through some menopause problems for quite awhile now, which make her even worse with her wild moodswings. I can't believe she doesn't realise how tense I get, shoulder hunched over as I wait for her to explode the moment she finds something that ****** her off. She used to, apparently, worry about the affect it was having on me living with my dad and having her complain to me about his ways early on, like I was an adult-- so now that I'm 'grown up' does she not think things like her angry bursts are going to have an affect on me?

I don't even need to get started with my dad... he's never believed I had depression, and has always claimed people 'that age' have "nothing to be depressed about." A common ignorant belief old guys who've 'done it tough' believe.

I know my sister believes I've been depressed in the past (though at first she was doubtful), but I don't think she realises how bad it used to be. I don't think anyone realises the severity of the thoughts I used to have.

Anyway, just had to let this rant out after one of my mum's bitchy moods put me in a sour mood. =/

FateCantDecide FateCantDecide
22-25, F
2 Responses Mar 22, 2009

the bright side is that your really not alone. Your just not looking at it from the point where people are always around you, and even if they don't show how you want them to love you. In there own way they are. For you as a follower its ok right now. A leader needs to learn how to follow first before he can command an army. You don't go straight to the top.

WOW! Sounds like you need a break! I have had a hell of a life and no matter what I've tried, depression and anxiety has always found me! A lot of people don't understand things until it is a part of their life. <br />
I hate to tell you but that is not a friend, that is what you call an associate! Friends are always there through the good and the bad. And when you say she has no clue of how you feel, that is a sign she is not a true friend. I have been in a class for about 2 months now, I have a hard time keeping friends, especially female ones but there is a girl who has been trying to be a friend to me. She can pick up very quickly when something is wrong with me. Even if I don't give any signs she will text me and question me until I tell her what is wrong. <br />
Because my life has been so messed up I have a hard time trusting in people and I am very good at putting up a wall so no one can get close to me. I haven't read anything else you posted because I am really new to this but I can tell you have been hurt in the past.<br />
Until you realize that you will always have issues! Forgive me if you feel like I am being too blunt but I can relate to you probably better than you can yourself! Well I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Just keep your head up and one day you will look back and say why did I waste so much of my life letting other people effect me?