I'm Not Even Complicated!I think my boyfriend knows me pretty well. He's pretty much the only one though. It's a huge comfort knowing that he understands my reactions to certain things where other people are always confused with me, but it's also quite saddening. Why is he the only one? Why doesn't anyone get me? It's not like I'm that complicated.
It's really not my intention to be 'emo' about this or to make anyone think I'm looking for attention. I'm not. But this is something that bothers me. My father knows me, to some extent. The only problem is that we're very much alike. We really are, and I'll be the last person to deny it. But because we're so much alike, I always get the feeling that he doesn't look beyond that fact. He just treats me as a younger, female copy of himself and explains all my actions as though they're his own. It's really irritating that he doesn't seem to think I have any identity. He thinks he can predict all my actions and then tries to prevent them if he doesn't agree with them. I know he means well, and I've tried to explain all this to him before, but I don't think he understood what I meant.
As for my mother; I'm nothing like her at all. Sometimes, I really wish I was, but I'm just not. She often has trouble understanding my father, and she ALWAYS has trouble understanding me. She even says so sometimes; "I will never understand you". Of course, that's not her fault. I can make things incredibly complicated if I want to.
My teachers in high school for some reason always thought I was arrogant. Which is ridiculous, because I had, and still have, very low self esteem. It is, however, in my nature to be very persistent if I disagree with something. But somehow, when you're 16 and you're resisting the authority of an adult, they will think you're arrogant. Why? I have no idea. It's completely beyond me. They would say things like "you really think you're better than everyone else, don't you?' And I would say "no sir, I don't." But it wouldn't help, because at that point they'd already made up their minds about me. And I'd stand there, and wish I could scream "WHEN DID I EVER SAY I'M BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE?! WHEN? You don't know? No wonder, you stupid idiot. That's because I DIDN'T SAY IT!"
There just seems to be something wrong with the way I talk to people, something that makes them misunderstand everything I say. And it's not like I'm unwilling to look at my side of this, I just really don't know what it is. Somehow, I seem to make people think I have opinions that I never voiced. They tell me I have thoughts that I absolutely do not have. A small disagreement with my parents can easily lead to my father telling me that I think he failed to raise me properly. Huh? When exactly did I say that?
The worst part of it is that whenever I try to explain to people what I ACTUALLY meant, they refuse to listen. I get absolutely no chance to defend myself. Somehow I seem to have a talent for p*ssing people off.
Because of this apparent problem in communication, I rarely get the chance to define myself. And when I do get the chance, I find it incredibly difficult to actually do it. It's difficult to explain to people how my mind works, because... well, I've never had any other mind, have I? This is normal to me. Me is all I've ever known how to be. I don't know how to be anyone else. I don't know how to change so that people will understand me, so that they can get to know me without me confusing the crap out of them.
I really don't know what it is about me that is so strange, but there has to be something. There has to be a reason why people never seem to understand my reactions to things. If only I knew what it was.