My Support System....

When I was very young, I started thinking about someone. He was always with me, in my imagination. But he felt real to me, like a friend that would never go away. Jake was his name. And he never left my side, or mind. He was always in my thoughts, and he help me every time I was feeling angry, sad, happy, silly, joyful, suicidal, any mood that you could think off. Jake is the one person that has been there for me since the beginning. The beginning of my downfall.

I use to be a really good kid. Every order that was given to me I did. Every task I was assigned I did. Every command that was given to I did. But It felt like that was all I was good for, just following other people's orders. Because of this, I was always alone. No one to be with. Then, I thought up of someone, Jake. He was my only friend that actually appreciated me. I talked to him day and night. Through the good times and bad. He never left me.

Now, I'm eighteen and still think about him. I don't want it think about him anymore. I've thought about him for ten years and it's taking over my life. And it's not just him, there are others, too. A whole fantasy lives in my head. I am powerless to stop it. It's always there, lurking in the front of my mind. I can't do anything without these people inside my head acting out their own lives while they try to pull me into theirs. Every time I think about this fantasy, I go blank. I don't see anything in the real world. During that time period, I don't know what I do in the real world. I be in my living room watching TV, I start thinking about Jake, I end up in the kitchen with food in my hand. I don't remember getting up cooking anything, or anything in that time period of thinking abut him.

Most of the time I'll just pace and change facial expressions. But I soon figured out that what ever I try to do in my fantasy, I try to act out in the real world. I know this is crazy, and I know this fantasy isn't real. But it consumes my life, and it is destroying any hope of me having a real relationship with any human being. It has gotten to the point where I don't touch anyone, I don't my family members I love them, I don't do anything that shows emotion to any one. And that scares me, a lot.

No one knows why I am like this. They think it's a "stage" and it will go away. It's not. I've been battling this for ten years. And no one knows about this. No human being one this planet knows what is going through my head. If I tell them, they won't believe me, they'll think I'm craving attention, or I'm just crazy.

I thought up of Jake because I need someone to talk to; a shoulder to cry on, and a support system to help me through the emotional and verbal abuse that i had to go through. Now I can handle what is going on in my life without him. But he nor the fantasy will go away. Because it's a anxiety disorder. Maladaptive daydreaming. And it will only go away with professional help. I am willing to get help, but no one can know that I am.

I am starting college in two weeks, and there are professional therapists on campus for students free of charge. I will seek help there. Finally, I will put an end to this madness that I created.
Athlete2012 Athlete2012
18-21, F
1 Response Jul 31, 2012

I have an entire universe in my head. It's not bad if it's at a pace, I have an imaginative friend as well, but I only seek out for him as a last resort. Still, talking to a professional is the best thing you can do for yourself.<br />
What I did is I wrote that universe of mine down, with all the people in it as well, it helps you realize it's fiction and it lets you distinguish both worlds. I'm thinking it would be a good material for a book, movie or something later on in my life. You can use anything to your advantage, the question is how.