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A Host To A Never-ending Swarm Of Parasites.

I often feel like God's purpose for me on this earth is to be an emotional punching bag for everyone to dump their problems on. Then when I eventually crumble, my existence here will just vanish like, just how Kansas expresses, dust in the wind. Then everyone will move on and find someone else's life to suck out of them, like parasites.

I am an excellent listener. It's one of the few things I can pride myself on. I also have a deep empathy, and a generosity to share it with everyone, whether they're my best friend, or a troubled deskmate at college. I always find the time and energy to listen and comfort someone when they need it. In a video game, I'd be a support character (ironically enough, I'm an awesome support character in League of Legends xD). My numerous friends all love to express how "awesome" I am, and marvel at how they can basically call me their "personal therapists", and how they can always count on me to lend an ear. They also love to point out how hilarious they think I am, and how I can make any situation light, making sure everyone laughs and has fun. (Psh, they should see me while I'm by myself in my room, either sobbing or wallowing in self-pity and loathing. xD)

I'm in a huge, messed up state of depression, and it's been a long time coming. Ever since I was little, I've been playing therapist and comedian, pleasing everyone else in my life. I've been bottling my emotions since... forever. My family's motto is "Fake it 'till you make it!", meaning if you get hurt, suck it up. Life goes on. In our household, it's like everyone fends for themselves. I can't talk to my friends, I'm the one THEY always go to. Even when I try, I'm either ignored, or they interrupt and start talking about their problems. Or, just out of obligation, they pretend they're listening or caring at all. It's so obvious they don't want to listen. It's like I'm supposed to be The Hulk, shouldering the world's problems, taking these beatings from life, and just dealing with it on my own. That's all I do; put on this happy mask and pretend everything's peachy. But then I have these days I call Catch-Up Days, where all my bottled emotions I keep pushing down and putting a lid on catch up with me. On these days, all the emotions explode in my face, and I'm an absolute wreck the whole day. Sobbing, listening to depressing music, contemplating my purpose in life, and what I ever did to deserve this life God cursed me with. In high school, they'd happen on average about once every two weeks. After I graduated it was once a week. Now, it's at an unhealthy once every three days.

Lately the Catch-Up Days are more frequent and terrifying. I've started cutting myself, and I've lost my lust for life. I'd never really commit suicide, I think that's one of the most selfish things a person could ever do. But if I got cancer tomorrow and was about to die, I'd be relieved. Like, "Aaaah, it's almost over!" and I'd get to go to heaven and be done with this Hell forever. Or I wouldn't mind dying in an accident. I'm starting to have panic attacks, I've had three at work. They are terrifying, and each one feels like a legit heart attack. Wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy.

I'm sick of having to be the strong support. I'm sick of being ignored, thrown away when I stop laughing or when I need someone to listen for a change. It's been going on all my life, and I'm losing hope. My family won't listen, my "best friends" won't listen, and it often feels like God's too busy to listen. I'm cutting myself, having panic attacks, and I'm getting scared of how close I'm getting to committing suicide on my Catch-Up Days. I've opened a Word document, started my suicide note and had the pill bottle in hand.

I want to be normal and happy for once. I feel so bi-polar with these Catch-Up Days, and I know it's not who I'm supposed to be. I want to be genuinely happy, like I pretend to be. I feel like I'm about to crack.

I'm so glad other people in this group can relate, though. To know I'm not alone. When reading people's stories, they've expressed my exact same thoughts and feelings, it's shocked me. xD! It's people like you guys who are in the same boat as me that restore a bit of my hope. To know that I'm not the only one who listens to people and cares, unlike everyone else. God bless this site. Thanks for reading this buzz kill of a post.
puffylow puffylow 18-21, F 4 Responses Jan 21, 2013

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I think its your life purpose to let others know that its not ok to be a punching bag and that you need to let loose at times too. I also think you are brave for expressing how you feel. The fake it til you make it motto has always lived as a part of my life as well. I finally came to realize I am am at times an emotional wreck. I also think that meditation will be EXTREMELY helpful to you. I am craving to learn meditation as I feel everyone would benefit from it weather it be a religious thing or just a stress release. I wish you well.

I feel your pain so much. I'm only 16, but I've always felt like this. It's so hard to listen to everyone and not get a single "how was your day?" back. I could ask someone what they did over the weekend and then the conversation would end. They couldn't take two seconds to ask what I did over my weekend. Even if I just started talking about it, they would some how magicly pull the spot light back to them or just give obvious signs that they don't seem intrested like not looking me in the eyes. No eye contact is a huge pet peeve of mine cuz it shows little repect.

I have a twin that I could always talk to, but I feel like she wants to listen less and less. We have the same problems with our parents divorce thats happening now so its pointless to talk about it since we're going through it together. I told my friend group about it a month ago and not a single person has asked about how I'm doing. I feel like no one cares. They all love talking about themselves and take avantage of me. They always tell me how nice and patient and supportive I am, but its so hard to smile now. If they think I'm such an awesome person, then why don't they care? I just cried myself an hour ago because my twin and I had a fight.

I don't know what to do anymore. Even my best friend who has gone through a lot that I went through doesn't even seem to care enough to ask. She's always been a talker and I just can't bring it up since she always talks about her problems. I feel myself almost hating people. I really do love all my friends, they're the most wonderful people ever, but they can be so selfish. I feel like I'm keeping everything inside and its so hard.

Today was actually one of my best days in a while and I really laughed and smiled today. I even went to a therapist today for an hour. I even went to my friends gymnastics first meet tonight. I still ended up crying a lot when my usually nice and equally listening twin just pushed my buttons hard enough to make me cry. Just all the pent up stress just came all out.

I haven't cut or anything damaging, but I've thought about it. I just can't even get up to get the knife. I just can't think about what people would think. I'd rather bottle everthing up then show people my pain. I''m just waiting for someone to reach out for me.

I'm at my last straws now and I'm so glad that other people are like myself. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. I know how hard it is to talk to someone when they don't go out of their way to talk to you and make you feel special. Sorry, for the long rant, but it was really nice to read your post and it all just came out. It's not everyday you meet someone that actually listens. Something good has got to come out of it right?

I really just want to be happy just like I pretend to be. All my friends were surprised that my parents were getting a divorce, but you know what? One of my friends turned it on her. I just looked at her with a blank face yelling at her in my mind. How could she do that when it took so hard to tell so many people when they were finally ready to listen.

Anyway, its just hard to be happy when no one cares enough to try to make me smile. It's harder and harder to smile, but I still do it when having such a high demanding friend who asks me to listen and give advice every single day. Its so hard to listen when I will never get anything in return. I just keep telling myself something good will come my way when people realize how nice I've been, but its so hard, when I don't know when.

I can't even talk to my family without them calling me selfish or a brat or just breathing down my neck every two seconds when I can't do exactly what they want, when I don't want to do what they want. I can't even be selfish with the people that know me the most. I feel like I'm so alone.

Thanks for reading so let me ask a couple questions in return. How was your day? I'm hoping its better than when you posted this? What are your biggest stressors in life? Do you still cut if you don't mind me asking? Did someone ask you how your day was? Did someone make you happy even just for a moment? I really hope someone has. I hope you smiled today because you wanted to, not because you forced yourself today. Just remember you don't know what tomorrow will bring you. :)

I completely understand how you feel! I have been the good listener all my life. Yet the rare times I try to talk about myself I am ignored and they go straight back to talking about themselves. I can't seem to have a conversation without people going, oh that's like when I did this, or when I went here, and how they are the expert on everything. I have my own stories and experiences to tell but it seems that no one is interested. It's like I am not worth it to them.

RIGHT? That's exactly how a lot of conversations seem to go. I'm so glad someone can relate. Well- not that I'm glad you're going through it, but you know what I mean. Thank you for reading and responding. :D

Wow why havn't you gone to University and become a shrink and use your "gift" and help people instead of your friends? I know that you said you can't stand it any more but you could be making a huge difference in those people's life. Imagine you could keep a family tougether and be able to help people that nobody will listen too, you have so much potentional and a God given gift. Sorry if I am intruding.

Nah dude, you're not intruding at all! In fact, thank you for responding. I appreciate it greatly. :D

I've thought about becoming a counselor a few times, but at the moment it seems like way too much to handle. I already listen to everyone else all the time, I think if I tried to do it on an everyday basis for hours on end, I might seriously go off the deep-end. xD; Thanks so much again for taking the time to read and respond.