A Host To A Never-ending Swarm Of Parasites.I often feel like God's purpose for me on this earth is to be an emotional punching bag for everyone to dump their problems on. Then when I eventually crumble, my existence here will just vanish like, just how Kansas expresses, dust in the wind. Then everyone will move on and find someone else's life to suck out of them, like parasites.
I am an excellent listener. It's one of the few things I can pride myself on. I also have a deep empathy, and a generosity to share it with everyone, whether they're my best friend, or a troubled deskmate at college. I always find the time and energy to listen and comfort someone when they need it. In a video game, I'd be a support character (ironically enough, I'm an awesome support character in League of Legends xD). My numerous friends all love to express how "awesome" I am, and marvel at how they can basically call me their "personal therapists", and how they can always count on me to lend an ear. They also love to point out how hilarious they think I am, and how I can make any situation light, making sure everyone laughs and has fun. (Psh, they should see me while I'm by myself in my room, either sobbing or wallowing in self-pity and loathing. xD)
I'm in a huge, messed up state of depression, and it's been a long time coming. Ever since I was little, I've been playing therapist and comedian, pleasing everyone else in my life. I've been bottling my emotions since... forever. My family's motto is "Fake it 'till you make it!", meaning if you get hurt, suck it up. Life goes on. In our household, it's like everyone fends for themselves. I can't talk to my friends, I'm the one THEY always go to. Even when I try, I'm either ignored, or they interrupt and start talking about their problems. Or, just out of obligation, they pretend they're listening or caring at all. It's so obvious they don't want to listen. It's like I'm supposed to be The Hulk, shouldering the world's problems, taking these beatings from life, and just dealing with it on my own. That's all I do; put on this happy mask and pretend everything's peachy. But then I have these days I call Catch-Up Days, where all my bottled emotions I keep pushing down and putting a lid on catch up with me. On these days, all the emotions explode in my face, and I'm an absolute wreck the whole day. Sobbing, listening to depressing music, contemplating my purpose in life, and what I ever did to deserve this life God cursed me with. In high school, they'd happen on average about once every two weeks. After I graduated it was once a week. Now, it's at an unhealthy once every three days.
Lately the Catch-Up Days are more frequent and terrifying. I've started cutting myself, and I've lost my lust for life. I'd never really commit suicide, I think that's one of the most selfish things a person could ever do. But if I got cancer tomorrow and was about to die, I'd be relieved. Like, "Aaaah, it's almost over!" and I'd get to go to heaven and be done with this Hell forever. Or I wouldn't mind dying in an accident. I'm starting to have panic attacks, I've had three at work. They are terrifying, and each one feels like a legit heart attack. Wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy.
I'm sick of having to be the strong support. I'm sick of being ignored, thrown away when I stop laughing or when I need someone to listen for a change. It's been going on all my life, and I'm losing hope. My family won't listen, my "best friends" won't listen, and it often feels like God's too busy to listen. I'm cutting myself, having panic attacks, and I'm getting scared of how close I'm getting to committing suicide on my Catch-Up Days. I've opened a Word document, started my suicide note and had the pill bottle in hand.
I want to be normal and happy for once. I feel so bi-polar with these Catch-Up Days, and I know it's not who I'm supposed to be. I want to be genuinely happy, like I pretend to be. I feel like I'm about to crack.
I'm so glad other people in this group can relate, though. To know I'm not alone. When reading people's stories, they've expressed my exact same thoughts and feelings, it's shocked me. xD! It's people like you guys who are in the same boat as me that restore a bit of my hope. To know that I'm not the only one who listens to people and cares, unlike everyone else. God bless this site. Thanks for reading this buzz kill of a post.
puffylow 18-21, F 4 Responses 1 Jan 21, 2013