I Don't Know

Hi, i'm Asian male, 28, single, resides in a country in Southeast Asia. I'm sorry in advance because i write too long. I'm feeling a bit ****** up right now. Please accept my gratitude if you're reading this.

I don't know who my biological dad is. Never want to find out, actually. In the TV they almost always want to know, but i just don't. Don't ask me why, i don't have the answer.

I don't know exactly why my biological father isn't here. And for the earliest years of my childhood, i wasn't told that my current dad isn't the "real one". I found it on my own when i was a little. I have always been a curious person even since a little and one day during my usual "search & discover activity" for anything interesting around the house, i found this letter. From what i read i think bio dad just left, most likely not even seen me born. Because of what reason? I don't know. I don't mind really. Never feel that this will affect my life much. I just found it funny that i'm curious of many things, but never have enough curiosity to try getting information on who my bio dad is.

My mom married another guy (current dad) when i was 5 or 6 i think. I was present in the wedding. I remember they told me at that time that they were doing the "church wedding" separately. And that they did their civil wedding years before. This wedding was just for church paperwork purpose, or something like that. The "official one" had been done before. I remember i was a bit confused, but i just got along of course. Well, if i didn't, i'd probably be as smart as Einstein by now.

The one thing i remember clearly from my current dad is that i never talk to him much as far as i can remember. I was like instinctively felt like he was a stranger. I remember this very clearly. Even till today we don't talk much. I prefer it that way, though.

I also remember this event, when he took me with him to the hairdresser few days prior to the wedding, he had this conversation with the hairdressers there, young females. I try to remember what the conversation was about, but it was vague. I'm not sure if this memory is important or not, but it often pops in my brain.

During childhood, i was told to say to whomever asked about the current dad, just lie that he's my bio dad. I guess, for my mom the situation is something to be ashamed of. It's a different country, different culture from yours after all. Me and my current dad don't look similar physically or in any way possible. We're just different. So when i was a little, i used to get questions like "is that man really your dad? Why aren't you look like him?" or something like that.

Back then, of course i did what i was told, i lied. But now i told only the truth, lying is exhausting. My family have many cover-ups. When i grow up, I got tired of covering things and now i just told the truth with just about everything. Which sometimes give me a bit of problem perhaps. But lying is too tiring for me.

My dad said to my mom, whom then said to me several times when i was a little, that he had lived previous lives. Like in reincarnation. 9 times to be exact. She also seemed to believe at a point, that he was once, in one of those earlier lives, maybe an important biblical figure or maybe a prophet or something like that.

My mom would sometimes have this conversation with one of the 9 spirits. This means current dad being some sort of a medium for the spirit. He would lower his voice to whispering, and speaking in vocational language. Sometimes this so-called spirit mumbo jumbo also speaks to me. As a child i don't feel anything unusual from the conversation. Probably this is what God kindly gave me, a decent sense of common sense.

Financially, our family was often ****** up. Current dad seems to be unable to do anything right. The only single thing that he does decently is, i think, playing chess. He drives too fast, behaves unethically, talk really poorly with people (like always cutting people's conversation, etc), and did a lot of mistakes when fixing things or doing his work. He never beat me up though. He threatened to throw a plate at me once. I can't remember whether he yells a lot or not.

Mom is this type of person who is afraid of everything. Afraid to take risk, afraid to changes, afraid to whatever. She didn't neglect me or something like that. I was usually left at home alone when both parents were working, but it wasn't neglect. I enjoyed being alone. Going home from school and finding the house is empty is always something i welcomed.

My family lived rather secluded from the rest of our relatives. We lived in another island and i was separated far from my cousins and second cousins, et al. I was the only child too. Now, if i'm looking at another family, i realized how solitary we were. I suppose my parents want to distance themselves from their relatives because of our situation.

Growing up, school was weird, grades rise and fall. But during high school, life was easier. It got to the point where i can take exams without studying the night before and still got good grades. Math & physics were particularly easy. I loved those two subjects. College was the next step and it was all bright and promising. I was the best graduate of my high school, got very respectable result in the national test, and even got accepted in one of the very best colleges in my country, which i declined because i didn't like the city it is located. I'm not entirely sure what made things so convenient for me during high school. Prior to this period, my grades never stand out. I guess it was probably because some of the teachers show support and believe in me. I don't know.

College didn't went as expected. I enrolled to a prestigious private university majoring in something i didn't really know what it was (engineering-related). I was really really fond of art but advised to choose different path. Something that is more "conventional" and may "guarantee" my future. Private university are expensive, but that college is top class. Mom told me it's ok financially so i enrolled in engineering major.

I thought it would be okay studying something i'm completely foreign with. After all, it was actually the city where the university is located that i truly like. I want to live there. How bad can it be? And i was promising and bright anyway. But my own immaturity proved to be the dumbest cause for the many failures during this "new and shocking" period of life.

Soon, i found myself lacking in fund very quickly. This affect everything it seems. Even in the easiest subjects that i should be really confident of, i fail the grades. I lost my way, i forgot why i was there. I also started to distance myself with the peers, i can't socialize well. Most of the students there were wealthy and to tell you the truth, i think i never realized how poor my family is before i enrolled in that college. That was funny, really. I guess i never really know what being financially stable means.

At that time i also lost that supportive pat in the back that i always had during high school. During college days, when i failed, i'd failed alone. I can't talk to my parents. I never did. Kinda useless talking to them. I realized that from years before. They'd give useless advises and if i'm honest, living a ****** life away from my parents is probably a lot better than living with them.

Soon though, I found work, thanks to good fortune, probably. Then, i dropped out college because I started to really hate it. I got great salary in work anyway. I did well enough at first. At one time i was even very sure i'd be rich or something like that. In two consecutive months i even managed to get big bonus of around $2,000. It was a massive amount for my country's standard, i can live with $200 a month now. The money went out quickly though. I eat good food every single day, spent on things i could never even spent before.

But things didn't went well after that. My ambition (or arrogance?) demand me to move forward, higher. I leave work and wanted to start being an entrepreneur. Besides art, this is also something i always dream of. But it didn't came out well. I don't know what went wrong. The big part of it was my own immaturity of course. But in general, i don't know what happened, i don't know where it went wrong. I feel like i was lost.

Now i've been lost too long. I got a new passion, back in the art-ish world. I fell in love with photography. Like really really love it. But i don't have enough resource to push things further. And because my past failures, people seem to think me less now. My parents who never show enough faith in me, now even show less belief.

I have no real friends. I never do. I only dated once and she's now married (happily i hope). I have no one else to turn. I'm still hungry and determined. My confident is teared apart but it is still there. I still have the drive and will power. But the feeling of loneliness, i feel like everybody is looking at me and talk behind my back "look at this guy, 28, yet did nothing useful." They don't even know me, don't even know how much intensity i make when trying to do something right. But i feel their laughter and finger pointing. Why do other people seem to do it easily? How come it's hard for me? Is it truly hard or is it i'm the one who's too weak? I don't think i'm weak. I don't want to be weak.

Am i just unlucky, are this all temporary? Or have i failed completely? Can i still fight back? To fulfill what haven't been fulfilled? I don't know. I don't know.

An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 23, 2013

You are not unlucky at all. You are living a life trying to find yourself and those who are like you. You actually don't know where to start or whom to turn to.
This is what I suggest and that is to find what you really love in your heart and you said you really like photography. That is great! You can put all your past life and confusion, hurt, anger, love, passion. Your whole story put it ALL into photography. Find groups, take classes, venture out. You will find that by creating a path great people will start to follow that same path and want to surround themselves with you. I wish you well and I truly hope this helps. _ from just a typical girl trying to find her way as well :D