I feel like I dont exist to most people . Unless they need to use me for sex or money. This hurts like hell. I feel I was not wanted since before birth when my mom was too far along to abort me. I have not many friends , two at most that I trust. I was abandoned at the age of 15. To survive on my own. I worked and tried to graduate hs , but I had to work and got my GED. I feel I have been robbed. I am 38 now. A single mother. Alone. And when I say alone, I mean alone. I have no help. Financially , to help with kids. I have ******** off and on for a living to support my kids. I have a hard time holding a job due to no support system or help. My car broke down the other day and I had noone to call. I live in a town where I know noone. And I had to move my furniture all on my own with my suv . and a uhaul with all 3 kids inside. I finally paid some neighbor I didnt know 25 dllrs to help me move the fridge into the Uhaul. I have applied for tons of jobs , so I dont have to ***** : ( But none ever call back. My heart really hurts. I love my kids and they keep me going , eventho at times it gets soooooo hard. I dont know how much longer I can go thru this. I am hurting.. My mom calls only for money , she lives 10 hrs away. She abused me and let my step dad abuse me sexually. Nothing has been easy . Always abuse. I am alone because I had to leave the men who beat me. Who wants a 38 yr old ******** with kids by loser abusive different dads. And they only want the outside of me. I freaking hate it. I hurt now cuz I have to ***** again, havent for a yr. My heart hurts. i feel I am letting my kids down. Letting God down : (
tornangel tornangel
36-40, F
5 Responses Aug 21, 2012

I wish I could email you a hug. It sounds like you a spread really thin. I would cut off your mother from your life and focus everything on loving your kids and teaching them to love each other. Maybe try and work to save up a bunch of money and then make a break for a new start somewhere fresh.

Live a minimalist lifestyle and focus everything on loving yourself and your kids. Lead them away from material possessions and toward time doing things together. A new guy is not a replacement for an empty heart anymore than a new toy or anything else material.

Sorry if this advice is not what you were looking for. Sometimes our need for love is so strong that we accept the familiarity of the people who abuse us in its place. Don't do this. Start creating your own love now with yourself and your little ones.

:( be strong and don't give up. Go out with your kids and try to make some good friends. Remember that you are not the only one feeling lonely. There must be someone out there that needs a friend like you. Keep applying for jobs. It is hard. I know that because of personal experience. Don't give up.

Please take care of your self and pray. Keep praying. God loves all.

Sounds like you have been put through the wringer. Not an easy life. I hope things get better for you and your kids very soon. Keep your chin up, keep the abusers at arms' length, and take care of those kids. Have a great night!

All those asterisks is dancer