Life In Tatters

I am a 12 year old girl and my life is already in tatters. I battle depression, everyday i keep telling myself there is a reason I'm alive but can never think of any. Nobody understands what it's like to be me...nobody really wants to. I'm responsible for almost all the problems in mine and my parents lives. My parents split because of me, my mum lost her hearing during pregnancy with me, my dad is always burdened with coming to see me so he can't make as much money in his shop. Now we are almost broke because I didn't get up early enough in the morning and we got pulled over in a random stop and now have a $200 fine. My parents are always worried for my "safety" but I know they don't really care. I tried to end my life three times last year, so everyone could have better lives of their own. Then my school found my arms and told my parents and the rest of the school. My parents were so angry that they sent me to my room and grounded me for almost forever. I don't really care, I have no friends to go places with and life outside is boring. Now whenever I go to school, I'm greeted by "EMO!" and looks of disgust. When I get to my classroom, there'll be a line of people pretending to cut their wrists. I feel like smashing their heads in. To top it all off, if I'm caught slitting my wrists again, I'll be kicked out of school, they'll get the CIF's around to my house and if they think it's an environment where I'll do it again, they'll take me away and put me up for adoption. They don't understand that when I feel as down as I get, pain is an improvement. It jolts me out of the mood I'm in and makes me feel a little better...well not really better but less down. They think I'm crazy. My mum has asked me to stop because she's scared I'll end up in a mental assylum and that will ruin her reputation. I've tried to stop, get my sorrow out by different means, I tried writing suicide stories, poems, anything but nothing worked. I don't want to get kicked out of school though, I'm not a bad kid, I'm in the gifted class and in heaps of extensions and in over 15 extra curriculars, I try to work hard because I want to have a good job when I'm older but I can't if I get kicked out of school. I don't want to make anyone elses life any worse by existing so I was really alarmed when I found out that one of the people who is only a little bit mean to me had started cutting herself. I told her she should stop but she wouldn't. I wish I didn't exist so I couldn't make innocent other peoples lives worse. But if I died, then I'm sure that girl would too and I don't want that. I feel really selfish and guilty. No one would miss me if was gone so why can't I just go?
imperfectionz imperfectionz
22-25, F
7 Responses Jul 21, 2010

Hi. I was immediately drawn to you're post. being 12 years old was when I had already lost all of my joy and anything good about life. I just want you to know that I pray for children who are going through things right now. I can tell by you're post that you are mature and take care of yourself. Lost and alone because you feel like you can take care of yourself because you do so when someone who doesn't have any authority tells you something, it's meaningless and it feels rude because you have been taking care of yourself for so long. I don't know all you're going through but I will share with you that my dad passed away when I was 11 and the only person who cared for me. I never have got over it. my brother in law molested me since I was a child until I was a teenager. my sister and cousins mocked me because I had health problems because I wasn't fed when I was an infant. I am still in a shell but that doesn't mean that is where you're life is going. I started hanging around a crowd that accepted me and became my family. they were all misfits too. we did some mischief together but those friends got me through the toughest years of my life although my family was very upset that I had turned into a "thug". Maybe it was rebellion, but I really think it was because I needed someone so badly, that I, like the others in my group were happy to be with the lowest of lows. You are ahead of the game. I wasn't looking for help at you're age, I was looking for an escape. This is a good thing! I wish I could wrap my arms around you. You are a sweet person and deserve attention, love and respect. I could use a hug too. :)

p.s. you mother lost her hearing during pregnancy: can you say how? I'm sure you didn't reach out maliciously and poke her ear drum out......how do you feel about that? Responsible?<br />
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Your parents split because they couldn't find a way to stay together. Unless you were a real terror, I suspect that there are other factors behind that - finances, your mum's deafness perhaps, perhaps their own differences.... have you talked to your mum and your dad about why? Have you let them know you think you are the cause?<br />
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Your dad might not make as much money in his shop because he chooses to spend time with his girl - and in this he builds a treasure worth more than anything! His relationship with you is something which is build day by day - through interacting - and can not be bought or sold.<br />
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He is a lucky man to have a daughter like you. So is your mom.

Dear girl,<br />
life can be really difficult when surrounded by adults who aren't very experienced about depression and gifted intelligence.<br />
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Your classmates would benefit from a dose of compassion and understanding too.<br />
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To be plain.....you are valued, you life has meaning right now, and none of us can tell what impact your future might have to many others. You are certainly very bright, but inexperienced in mental health issues. <br />
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I value your life, I'm glad you've reached out - that takes courage and smarts! You are wanting solutions, not just pity..... you are working to make the world a little better place - bravo!<br />
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You are not a burden on your parents - some things you have done would have caused them concerns and worry, I'll bet, but you are not your behaviour.<br />
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I have 4 children (5 to 24) and have had to work through similar issues (and different) with them.<br />
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What you are talking about are symptoms which come from whatever problem is at the ba<x>se of this situation. (Brain chemical imbalance, some trauma, anxieties etc).<br />
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If you are not yet finding support around you, maybe your supports will be on-line, maybe in combination with friends, extended family, but especially professionals who can work with you in person, and fine tune solutions with you.<br />
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Feeling responsible for those around you is possibly a result of your upbringing, intelligence and anxiety - which allows you to see chains of events or responsibility.... you can see how others around you are affected by your action.<br />
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Chronic wanting to be liked and to make others happy is a symptom I've had for much of my life - I also have many of the symptoms of ADHD - distractability, chaotic thoughts, fast thinking, impulsivitiy etc. I grew up in a Catholic family where we were always having to think of others first. My mum was very strict and got physical at times - this can set up a need to make sure all around us are ok and happy.<br />
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With understanding will come solutions - some might be about your own thoughts, maybe some medication to help your brain to settle, maybe some good, supportive friendships, certainly qualified counseling.<br />
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Depression can do things to dull our readings of people around us, colour our view of the world (or in fact, make it like it is black and white, dull etc). You may be discarding the signs of love around you. <br />
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If you have another counselor that you know you won't get on with, could I suggest you let them know up front? Having someone who is the mother of one of the problem children is a conflict of interest for them - a good counselor would want to know that that affects you ability to work with them.<br />
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You are not a lost cause.... there are things which will help.<br />
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Please keep engaging - we want for you a life which balances problems and happiness, fun and disappointment, friends and foes...... let's see what can be built from this situation.<br />
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I wonder what sort of "you", you have the potential to become?<br />
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Happy to keep in touch in whatever way works best for you.

Yes I am christian and believe in our saviour Jesus Christ. That's kinda one of my reasons I haven't done myself in yet. It's a sin to take a life and I wouldn't want to be stuck in hell for eternity.<br />
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I am extremely touched that you people care. It would be great to have someone to talk to, I just wouldn't want to burden them. Especially if thery're like me and try to fix everyone's problems and feel somewhat responsible for the cause. <br />
<br />
I have been trying really hard to just focus on other things (eg: schoolwork and trying to get and award; I managed to snag an excellence award and student of my class although I wanted to get year 8 of the year and didn't). The thing is, I have so many things wrong with me. I blame it on my brain. It was a bad combination. I care and all I want to do is help. It's ironic that I crave other people's happiness when I am not at all happy within myself. I made a vow kinda, when things got really bad and I started not caring about my own life or safety. I vowed that since my life was crap and didnt look like it was getting any better, I may aswell be of some use. I became a vegetarian so that innocent animals wouldn't have to be slaughtered for my sustainence, I devoted my lunchtimes to listening and trying to help with individuals problems, I try to be very self providing, only giving good things to the world and not killing it even more. <br />
<br />
recently I started seeing a councellor. She was a rather plump woman who also happened to be the mother of a person I sincerely dislike. she asked really random stuff, comparing me to a pot plant. I mostly stared out the window. Then she decided I was completely fine and said I was free to go. Haha shows how good an actor I am. <br />
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I have now finished intermediate and so am not bound by the threat of being kicked out of school if I cut again and I have taken advantage of that.I am regular again. It is my secret pleasure, no one shall find out.<br />
<br />
I must sound like a lost cause. I probably am. Oh well, thanks for your support :) I really do appreciate that people care :)

Yes I am christian and believe in our saviour Jesus Christ. That's kinda one of my reasons I haven't done myself in yet. It's a sin to take a life and I wouldn't want to be stuck in hell for eternity.<br />
<br />
I am extremely touched that you people care. It would be great to have someone to talk to, I just wouldn't want to burden them. Especially if thery're like me and try to fix everyone's problems and feel somewhat responsible for the cause. <br />
<br />
I have been trying really hard to just focus on other things (eg: schoolwork and trying to get and award; I managed to snag an excellence award and student of my class although I wanted to get year 8 of the year and didn't). The thing is, I have so many things wrong with me. I blame it on my brain. It was a bad combination. I care and all I want to do is help. It's ironic that I crave other people's happiness when I am not at all happy within myself. I made a vow kinda, when things got really bad and I started not caring about my own life or safety. I vowed that since my life was crap and didnt look like it was getting any better, I may aswell be of some use. I became a vegetarian so that innocent animals wouldn't have to be slaughtered for my sustainence, I devoted my lunchtimes to listening and trying to help with individuals problems, I try to be very self providing, only giving good things to the world and not killing it even more. <br />
<br />
recently I started seeing a councellor. She was a rather plump woman who also happened to be the mother of a person I sincerely dislike. she asked really random stuff, comparing me to a pot plant. I mostly stared out the window. Then she decided I was completely fine and said I was free to go. Haha shows how good an actor I am. <br />
<br />
I have now finished intermediate and so am not bound by the threat of being kicked out of school if I cut again and I have taken advantage of that.I am regular again. It is my secret pleasure, no one shall find out.<br />
<br />
I must sound like a lost cause. I probably am. Oh well, thanks for your support :) I really do appreciate that people care :)

Hey i really feel sorry for you. But don't blame yourself for everything, i'm sure you are a really good person, and you sound heaps talented. I know how it feels to be alone. If you want to add me we can talk any time. take care hope you're going to be ok.

Gosh girl, I feel for you, I really do. You are beating yoruself up way too much - many things have been said and done and that's what they are, done. Holding onto whatever's happened in the past does no-one any favours. <br />
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You're not crazy; you're stressed and depressed (a horrible way to be) and you just need some kind of support. Forget about your parents for a second. It's not your responsibility to make sure that they're happy and their respective lives are going peachy all of the time. Whatever you do or don't do, there will be problems and accidents and things going wrong - it's like that for everyone. That is life. <br />
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It's not like your parents are perfect either. It seems that they don't understand or know how to help their daughter. Have they spoken to you about how you're feeling? You don't mention anything like that here, so I'm assuming that they probably didn't or they did it in such a way that well, didn't really help. Instead, you were sent to your room and grounded! A sign that they don't know how to deal with things. Understandable I suppose, but still not the best reaction in my mind.<br />
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Is there anyone you can talk to about all this? Teachers; friends?<br />
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I'm impressed at how you're doing in school. Is there anything your particularly enjoy (for example, writing)? I'm glad that you're not giving up despite the idiots (who in the future may find themselves in a dark place.)